If there is one thing out there that is really annoying, it is people who tell fantasy football war stories. Contrary to the opinion of most fantasy-footballers, no one in St. Louis cares that Randy Moss has no touchdowns or that Clinton Portis has yet to start a game for your team. Your league rules are irrelevant to the vast majority of those in St. Louis who love football because they like to watch football.
You know you are too into fantasy sports when you are rooting against your home team, the Rams. Pure fantasy footballers will have no guilt hoping that the Rams' secondary gets lit up like a Christmas tree by the opposing quarterback just because that guy is on your fantasy team. Those of you who play but have a conscience come up with bizzare scenarios where both the Rams and your fantasy team wins. For example, this is a recently overheard conversation:
Fan 1: Oh man, I hope the Rams can pull this one out.
Fan 2: Me, too, but I have [opposing running back] on my fantasy team.
Fan 1: But you are still rooting for the Rams, right?
Fan 2: Kind of. I would love to see [that RB] rack up 200 yards rushing and score 3 touchdowns, but as long as the Rams come back and win the game. I can have it both ways.
Fan 1: You need help.
This is absurd. Equally absurd is the notion that your fantasy sports team really pulled it out just because of you, like you coached them to the big win. People who act like this think that they are psychics for picking the right matchups. Here is another overheard conversation:
Fan 1: I won last week because I was smart enough to start Rex Grossman.
Fan 2: Were you smart enough or were the rest of your QBs injured?
Fan 1: I assure you, this happened because of great managing on my part.
Fan 2: So you knew Grossman would play that well?
Fan 1: Of course I did. I am a fantasy sports superstar! I should be on ESPN.
Fan 2: No one thought he would play like that, not even Grossman. Lovie Smith probably bet against the Bears in that game. Grossman's family watched another game on T.V.. Brian Griese was warming up in the first quarter.
Fan 1: Why can't you recognize my genius?
Listen, I know what it's like watching a few games you would not normally be interested in because of your fantasy team. But no need to get crazy. And by crazy, I mean fantasy football champioship rings. This is a reality, thanks to the fine people at Jostens.
Here is an idea to put things in perspective. How about matching some fantasy football war stories with Iraqi war stories? A potential exchange:
Iraqi War Veteran: I just got back from Baghdad. What a war.
Fantasy Footballer: You wanna hear a war story? I was down 25 points to [Team X] after my second running back went down injured and my wide receiver touchdown was nullified with a holding penalty. Going into Monday night, I had the Jacksonville defense and he had Willie Parker. Game over, right? No! I stormed back for a stunning comeback. We wound up tied, and I won on the tie breaker - QB rushing yards! Woooo!
Iraqi War Veteran: Wow, that is impressive. I know what you mean. Just last week I was on patrol when a roadside bomb went off and killed half of my team. I was in a hail of gunfire but managed to escape with my life.
Fantasy Footballer: Yeah, that happened to me in a video game once. Did you go get a med pack to restore full health and grab some ammo crates and head back in after them?
Iraqi War Veteran: The urge to stab you in the face is strong. But I can control myself.
So remember, next time you are about to tell some crapassed story about your fantasy league, the person you are talking to might have the nearly irrepressable urge to harm you physically. And that person might not have the restraint of one of our fine soldiers.
[This story is a commentary.]
[Prove your loserness and click here.]
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment