Hugo Chavez hates America, loves the Cardinals

Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez, considered a dangerous leftist dictator by countries not ending in -ran, -ussia, -uba and -yria, recently came out in a fiery speech against the United States and, in particular, against President Bush. During his United Nations rant, he called this country all sorts of names and petitioned the world to give Venezuela a seat of power in the U.N., which is essentially a powerless body to begin with. However, he caged his anti-America comments when he noted that he was a big fan of the St. Louis Cardinals baseball team.

During a question-and-answers session after the speech, El Prezidento For Life Chavez was asked about his love for the Redbirds. "I have always loved the Cardinals. They are the color red, the color of passion! I like to use red backgrounds on my dictator posters because if symbolizes power! Plus, I am from Latin America, so naturally I love baseball." Chavez continued, noting, "What I particularly admire is the team ownership's committment to squeezing money out of the people with an effective public relations machine. I could use good men like that in my administration."

Reached for comment, team dictator Bill DeWitt added, "Mr. Chavez has inquired about purchasing the team. I don't think that is a prudent business decision at this time. Right now, we are in the process of making the Cardinals the finest organization in all of baseball. Now, once we get the value up there and get a discounted ballpark village attached to the stadium, we will be willing to entertain offers in the billion dollar plus range. And by we, I mean me."

Chavez continued his hate-filled spiel with some limited words of love for American baseball. He added, "The Red Birds of St. Louis will march victoriously into the playoffs and will kill the imperial Yankees of baseball so that their blood runs red in the streets. All must swear loyalty in allegance against the imperial Yankees! So says Chavez!"

[This story is a satire of public figures.]