Pornographic magazine found in Rams locker room

Stunning developments have emerged from the Rams practice facility in Earth City, where reports are circulating that allegedly pornographic materials were discovered in the team locker room. As shocking as this may be, the team public relations machine is working hard to spin this incident. Ownership has promised swift action against the perpetrators. One question remains: Who would have the audacity to bring pornography into a professional football team locker room?

A part time janitor stumbled upon the filth while cleaning up the locker room while the team was out on the practice field. Apparently, as the story goes, a magazine was left open on one of the benches in front of some lockers. On the opened pages was a series of images that would make sailors blush and Ron Jeremy expectorate. Reached for comment, the janitor opined, "I didn't know that could be turned inside out like that. I have decided to swear off women, having seen that magazine. I'm off to Vermont or San Francisco."

Team president John Shaw, clearly outraged at the incident, noted "This cannot stand. I have to put up with a ton of crap in a pro football locker room. Drugs, dope, gambling, cockfights, steroids, stealing, wet willies, towel whippings, strippers and hookers. But porno in magazine form? That is the last straw. Our janitor had to quit his job. I hear that he is scarred for life now." It was then explained that the team management would be searching the locker room for additional smut in an effort to rid the team facilities of such material.

Once all of the pornography had been rounded up through a complete search of the premises, forty five black trash bags of magazines and videos were recovered as contraband. A public burning of this material had been planned, but after a plea from local civic leaders, it was donated to charity by the team as a part of its annual giving to the community.

The team wants the public to understand that sex and professional sports do not mix. "I think we are sending the right message here," added Shaw. "Now, if you will excuse me, I am off to a meeting to discuss removing a percentage of the fabric from the cheerleader uniforms. And we will also be discussing the cheerleader swimsuit calendars."

[This story is a satire of public figures, but based on a story relayed to me. Thanks KPN and WBR.]