With the unveiling ot the Madden 2007 NFL football game, hundreds of thousands of males ages six to forty six dropped half a c-note for a copy of the world's most popular video game title, ensuring that the game's namesake can now have turducken twice a day every day for the next three hundred years. John Madden, who also happened to be an excellent football coach, does not actually program the game himself, as is thought by many of the game players. In fact, it takes many nerds many hours to churn out this cash cow CD. Now that Madden '07 has hit the market, tournaments have begun and grand champions crowned. Much to the dismay of these grand champions and other Madden '07 superstars, they are finding that their impressive skills have not even remotely improved their chances at getting laid.
At a particularly popular St. Louis-area Madden '07 tournament, about two hundred fifty guys showed up to show their Madden might in a large convention center. Many players arrived in the football jersey of their favorite player, often in sizes of XL or larger. Having never played anything close to real football itself, these short, stinky, unshaven men enjoyed living the fantasy persona that they create for this game. Trash-talking and taunting is a huge part of the Madden '07 tournament experience. Again, having never been good enough at a physical activity to taunt or trash-talk anyone else, these players take full advantage here. Food and drinks are provided, players are ranked, and the top games are shown on big screens. All in all, this is a top notch event. Still, none of the superstars here can get and keep any woman.
The closest thing to a female at these events are the Madden '07 cheerleaders who are getting paid (handsomely) to show up and endorse the game and various consoles. Said one cheerleader, "This place has creepier men than the strip club that I work at on the weekends. Seriously, these guys are nasty. I am never coming to one of these things again. More than one guy has come up to me and told me about some crap he did in a game he played. What the hell? Who cares? It is a game, loser!" Other women who work at video game stores have also been getting annoyed with the pathetic crowd, according to this one female, who wished to remain nameless, "One dude came up to me ans asked if I liked his LT2 jersey, whatever the hell that is. Well, no. I don't care. I work at a video game store part-time and now I have to put up with these dudes? I am quitting this job and going to work at Hooters, where men are a little more respectful and less desperate."
Some gameplayer mothers came by to pick up their (sometimes adult) children from the tournament. From her minivan, one particular mother faced catcalls. She noted, "This one guy, who could not have been much older than my son, asked me if I wanted to take a ride with him. He was a champ, or so he said. What a bunch of losers! 'Get a job' is what I told him. When we got home, I smashed my kid's playstation. No more of that crap. I want him to have a future. Having me pick him up from that tournament is going to be the best thing to happen to my son in the long run. I just wish I had known before."
Tournament champion Roscoe Johnson, reached for comment, noted that "I have never seen a woman naked. In real life. Of couse, as a Madden '07 expert, I see naked women all the time no my PC or on a video, but never in real life. Sometimes my hands are so tired from the twenty hours of Madden that I can barely ... uh, nevermind. I am looking forward to showing off my trophy and hopefully now some female will take note and recognize me for the stud I am. Now, I am off to White Castles for dinner to celebrate."
[This story is a satire of public figures. I must be the only person who does not own a copy of any edition of this game.]
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