Tim McCarver, a baseball analyst for the FOX network, is best known around the country as the member of the sports media with his head the furthest up the Yankees' ass, right above Buster Olney's. To a few learned people in St. Louis, he is also known for being the catcher on the many excellent Cardinals teams in the 1960's and for his relationship with Hall of Fame pitcher Bob Gibson. Despite being a famous former Cardinal, McCarver hates the team and goes out of his way to rip on the Redbirds constantly, earning him a special place in the hearts of the city of St. Louis. In fact, Tim McCarver actually once said something nice about the Cardinals during a playoff broadcast in 2000 and a small vein on the front of his brow started to pulsate at dangerous levels. After being medically cleared to return to the booth, he proceeded to knock on the home team again as usual.
To show their appreciation for McCarver's antagonistic disposition towards the club and the city, a group of local sports fans got together to honor McCarver. According to Rocky Mozell, who somehow got the rights to sell the names of the stars via the International Star Registry, anyone can name a star after someone else for a few bucks. [Stlsports plans to wait until Mozell decides to sell real estate on Jupiter. How about the acre at the exact center of the red dot?] The 'Tim McCarver Go To Hell Association' purchased from the star registry the right to name the most unstable and soonest-to-explode star so that they could have a kind of cool, kind of nerdy party where they could witness the spectacular death of Tim McCarver.
Said local scientist Roscoe Johnson, "Well actually, this star blew up millions of years ago. See, light travels at a fixed speed, and the light from the explosion took millions of years to get here. So, actually it blew up a while ago. But, you know, since we only see it here now, it looks like it is blowing up now. See, that relativity stuff is kind of cool." Regardless of the 'scientific' explanation of the workings of the blowing up of stuff far away, the TMGTHA is undaunted by their zeal to witness the nuclear death of Tim McCarver. The group plans to project images of the explosion, which is said to be just days away, onto a giant screen to be seen by the group and its guests while a great deal of beer is consumed.
Reached for comment, McCarver's partner in the broadcast booth, Joe Buck, said on the record that "Tim McCarver is the biggest windbag in the world" and that "working with McCarver is like having nails driven into my temple." Buck then curbed those remarks with, "Yeah, but FOX pays so darn much, I would do the game with anybody. Anybody except Harold 'Octopus' Reynolds." When asked why Harold Reynolds is known as the 'Octopus', Buck replied that "he is all hands, if you know what I mean." We sure do, Joe. The TMGTHA has lobbied Buck to call the explosion, but talks stalled when the group offered some beer and a t-shirt and Buck demanded ten million dollars.
For their next event, the anti-McCarver group now plans to adopt a sick and elderly dog, rename it Tim McCarver, and then have it put down.
[This story is a satire of public figures. Man, I hate Tim McCarver. Sorry, PETA.]
[BTW, if you have money to throw away, visit http://www.starregistry.com/.]
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