Rams' offense unmotivated by emotionally stable head coach

The Saint Louis Rams used to be known as "The Greatest Show on Turf" for their high-flying and explosive offense. But after a lackluster preseason performance by the first team offense and a similarly abhorrent showing in the regular season opener, there are rumors being talked around that perhaps Scott Linehan is not the type of head coach that inspires greatness in his offense. One thing differentiates Linehan from his two immediate precessors: he possesses emotional stability.

Mike Martz, the most recent head coach before Linehan was brought in, was known as "Mad Mike". He took a restraining order out against a [probably psychotic] player, manipulated the front office and was known as a general lunatic by his players. Martz would frequently fly off the handle at his players for doing something wrong. His playcalling also left something to be desired and the national and local media began to question bothi his decision-making and his sanity. He has since moved to the Detroit Lions organization, which is headed up by a team president with a history of questionable cerebral instability as well. We are expecting magical things from that team. Just before Martz, Dick Vermeil was another example of the fragile nature of humanity. As weeping in football became more acceptable than crying in baseball, Vermeil's players had grown accustomed to the yin and yang of loud motivation and eerily quiet sobbing from their head coach.

Both the Martz and Vermeil offenses performed exceptionally well on the field. When asked about the discrepancy, team veteran wide receiver Issac Bruce noted, "If we messed up with Coach Vermeil, he would start crying. Nobody liked that nonsense. Then if we messed up with Coach Martz, he would go crazy. So we made sure that we stayed on our game on the offense. But now with Coach Linehan, it's like it was under Rich Brooks. Whatever, man. I get my check win or lose, baby. Since Coach Linehan isn't crazy as hell, one way or the other, we don't really have much to fear." Referring to the mid-1990s Cardinals teams, "When Joe Torre took over, those Redbird teams went to sleep. That guy just sat there and watched the game like a fan, so those players stunk it up. It is all cause and effect."

Said noted sports psychiatrist Roscoe Johnson, "Many people respond to abnormal behavior with extraordinary behavior of their own. For example, highly motivational people typically have very eccentric personalities, be they wild, irrational and unpredictable like Mike Martz or perhaps pendular and extreme like Dick Vermeil. It is not by coincidence that coaches with strong personalities elicit strong player performances. And when you have a mild and stable personality, especially in place of a previously unstable personality, the opposite effect takes place, and those players tend to slack off."

However, a marked improvement has been seen on the other side of the ball, where the defensive unit has been dramatically improved over the previous seasons. Defensive veteran Leonard Little added, "We had been working under some pretty bad defensive coordination that never held us accountable the past two seasons, so we just sort of took those seasons off. I mean, why bust your ass if you don't have to? But Coach Haslett? Whoo that man is nuts. You know I play my butt of for that man. Those crazy white people are the ones to look out for. I don't want to be messin' with Coach Haslett. He drinks his soda and then eats the can. Who the heck does that? I bet I record fifty sacks this season."

[This story is a satire of public figures.]