Post-season collapse moved up a couple weeks

The Redbirds have been stinking up the baseball diamond lately. Stinking it up to the tune of seven straight losses. In contrast, the not-quite-mathematically-eliminated Houston Astros have won seven in a row. Most people, when putting the two together, see a problem for the Cardinals. Team ownership and management insists that there is nothing to worry about and that the team has simply moved its planned October collapse into late September.

Reached for comment, team owner Bill DeQuit noted that, "There are still some things that need to get done around the stadium. You know, we have many improvements to make and other things to get done. For example, I would like to break ground on the ballpark village sooner than later. We can't very well do that during the season, and if we wait too long the ground gets too cold and hard. It makes economic sense to end the season next week rather than a few weeks from now. It's not like we were contending for a ring or anything."

Manager Tony LaRussa, during the course of this losing streak, as well as during the course of this up and down season, has been making some 'questionable' decisions. For example, he has played members of the team needlessly through nagging injuries, and now that personnel is not available for the final stretch run towards October. LaRussa has also inexplicably played Aaron Miles at shortstop, when Fredbird, a better contact hitter and defensive player, has watched from the sidelines. In fact, a blindfolded monkey with a glove on his tail is a better defensive player than half of the team right now. Tony has also refused to play small ball, often quoting his favorite manager, himself, noting that "small ball is for the small minded."

Still, the team clings to a film-thin lead of one and a half games. Hopefully the Cardinals can put a couple of wins together and proudly represent the National League Central Division by getting swept in October, instead of September.

[This story is a satire of public figures.]