Shaun McDonald, the Rams' abhorrent punt returner, has been named the National Football League's Most Valuable Player of the 2006 preseason. This is quite an honor for an up and coming receiver, and the first time that someone who was actually drafted in the regular NFL draft won this honor. This adds to McDonald's already impressive resume that includes three touchdowns in four seasons and a practice squad player of the year award from the Rams. But now he has chosen to hold out for a new contract in light of his recent accolades.
To earn this accolade, the scrappy player managed to record 156 punt return yards, 175 kickoff return yards, and two receiving touchdowns to accompany his 13 catches for 117 yards in just three preseason games. He is pleased with now being called scrappy rather than just crappy. "That little 's' is a big deal to me," he opined. "Too bad preseason football stats don't count towards the rest of the year. If they did, I would be a perennial pro bowler."
McDonald has been getting counsel from another member of the league, one who has also been named the preseason NFL MVP, as well as the MVP of the now defunct XFL, Rod Smart, f/k/a He Hate Me. Smart also held out, noting that, "After my first preseason game, where I had six rushes for seventy yards, with a couple touchdowns agains the Houston third string defense, I was on pace to set league records in several offensive caterogies. It was payday time. But as usual, The Man was hating on me." Accordingly, the Panthers begged to differ, who in a counteroffer to Smart's demands, told him that under a tucked-away contract clause, he could be made to work the hot dog concession stands if he tried to hold out for more money. Smart relented and went on that season to play as a back-up special teams player, where he sucked.
When asked about the holdout, John Shaw of the the Rams' front office, asked, "Who the hell is that? Wait, didn't we cut that guy like three years ago? Hmm." After a brief investigation, it was determined that he had been cut in the 2004 preseason, but that no one told him, and through some glitch in accounting, he kept getting paid. "Well I just fixed the glitch, and it should work itself out," concluded Shaw.
McDonald noted, "I haven't heard back from the Rams yet, but I expect that they will be caving into my demands soon. I mean, what can they do without the McD Man?" McDonald's preseason replacement, a WR/RB 'tweener' Roscoe Johnson, returned a punt and a kickoff for touchdowns in the subsequent game against the Bears' first team special teams. Said Johnson, "I really don't like being called a 'tweener', since I think, according to schoolyard lingo, that means that I have both sets of genitalia. I don't. I mean, I am all man. Now, I am pretty sure that there is a true 'tweener' on the team, based on what I've seen in the showers, but I should not really get into that." When asked about his preseason accomplishments, Johnson opined, "Yeah, that was pretty awesome, a real testament to my value. I am thinking of holding out for more money."
[This story is a satire of public figures. BTW, I really dislike preseason football.]
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