The recent weeks in St. Louis sports have been somewhat disappointing for the local fan base. The Cardinals, despite being in first place in the worst division in baseball, are only preparing for the inevitable postseason slaughter in the first round. The Rams cannot score a touchdown on offense to save their lives. Both of these teams have been hard-hit by a plague of injuries to key players. On the ice, the Blues are looking to rebound with half of the 1999 All Star team, many of which need cortizone shots in order to tie their laces. The Steamers blew it in the playoffs again a few months ago. Finally, yet another St. Louis team, the Slam women's pro football team, was eliminated in the playoffs by a team from the Boston area.
Things are going terribly and the city has been in a gloomy state for a while. However, mayor Francis Slay has unveiled a new campaign aimed at boosting the city morale and regaining some of the pride that has been lacking lately: At least we're not Kansas City.
The Kansas City area has long been thought of by Saint Louisans as the younger, not as bright sibling in the family/state whose only chance at success was to marry well. Sadly, Kansas City, Missouri, married crime-stricken Kansas City, Kansas, and things have not been going well since.
The Royals have not won two consecutive games since the 1985 World Series, which they continue to hold over our heads. The Chiefs are the football Cardinals in the AFC - perennially picked to go somewhere but it never happens. In fact, the Chiefs are reliving a familiar St. Louis nightmare: the injury of quarterback Trent Green. Sadly, it won't turn out as well for the Chiefs as it did for the Rams. The KC football faithful won't be hoisting the Lombardi Trophy so much as an IV bag above Green. Not to say that they have given up, but the Chiefs are looking forward to Brady Quinn being in their 2007 training camp and are already printing up his jerseys for sale in the team gift shop. Kansas City also had to swallow their pride and accept a major league soccer expansion team. An NBA team was not available, noted one former KC mayor, and so the fifth best option, an MLS team, was reluctantly brought in to the area. Children now grow up watching a sport considered by many to be inferior to badminton and curling.
Reached for comment, mayor Slay noted, "This is the kind of shot in the arm that St. Louis needed. Picking on Kansas City is like beating up that short kid in class with the weird haircut. You know you shouldn't do it, but it makes you feel like a big man inside. If this doesn't work, we're coming for you, Springfield!"
In response to this campaign of abuse, Kansas City has been dumping malodorous pollutants into the Missouri river which will slowly make their way to St. Louis. They have also begun their own campaign to bolster tourism for the western end of the state: We're cooler than Kirksville.
[This story is a satire of public figures.]
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment