Edmonds has 'big plans' for contract buyout money

Jim Edmonds has been patrolling center field for almost a decade in St. Louis, and he is the senior-most member of the team (no pun intended). Since sending at-the-time future hall of famer Kent Bottenfield and limpwristed Adam Kennedy to Anaheim for Jimmy Ballgame, the team has seen unprecedented regular season success. While this regular season success has not necessarily translated into post season success, the fans like Edmonds nonetheless. However, Edmonds is getting older and his body is beginning to fail him, particularly when he is playing baseball professionally.

Although he is under contract next season for over ten million dollars, the team has a buyout option for three million dollars. This means that the team can pay three million dollars to get out of the contract and it seems more and more likely that this will be what happens.

On the topic of paying Edmonds eight figures to play or three million to go away, said team owner Bill DeWitt, "I got bills to pay. Maybe we can pay him off, I mean buy out his contract, and bring him back for a nominal salary. But honestly I have more to worry about that bringing back a fan favorite. Do you know how expensive Persian leather is for the owners boxes? And don't even get me started on the chinchilla coasters. Or the baby seal mini-fridge covers. Whew, it takes a lot of hard work and tough decisions to run a ballclub. Sorry, Jimmy."

"I understand that some people don't like the buyout," noted DeWitt. "When you buy out a contract, you are saying that you would rather pay someone millions to go away than have him stay and play for you. Most people get upset, but not old JImmy."

Reached for comment, Edmonds noted, "I have some big plans for that buyout money," indicating that it was pretty much a foregone conclusion that he would not be back next season. "I thought that I might get that new hip and shoulder that I have been hankering for. Perhaps I could open a disco out in Anaheim. K-Fed concert tickets. Whatever, the world is my oyster!"

[This story is a satire of public figures.]