Masturbating banned at ScottTrade Center

The St. Louis Blues management group came out with some new house rules and restrictions for fans at the popular event forum, the newly renamed ScottTrade Center. Among the changes was a ban on clothes with profane or obscene language or images on them, a restriction on the size of bags that can be brought in, and a zero tolerance policy for bringing outside alcoholic beverages into the arena. Not lost in the new regulation changes is the rule that masturbating in the stands is not allowed.

Said team President John Davidson, "Well, we have had a couple 'incidents' this season, and when our guards went to kick the offending party out of the building, they would ask if what they were doing was banned by the arena rules. As unbelievable as it might be, we never came out and banned it. So we threw this in with the rule changes to make it easier to kick these people out of there or at least make them stop."

New team owner Dave Checketts, commenting on the change, noted, "I'm upset that it had to come to this, but changes needed to be made. I hate to be the ogre here, but it was beginning to disrupt the other fans, few as they might be. When the product on the ice is not so great, I can see why people tend to distract themselves by doing other things. Some fans read the paper, others talk amongst themselves, and hopefully most of them are spending money on concessions. But a few goofy fans found that vigorously giving themselves the ol' secret handshake in the stands would make the game a little more fun. Other fans sitting near them tended to disagree, so we stepped in."

Oddly enough, performing abortions, killing of animals, smoking opiates and shooting off fireworks are also not banned in the arena, and were not added to the list of new rules. Some of these irregularities were brought to the attention of Davidson, who replied, "I am not in the business of restricting people's freedoms. I just want to make Blues hockey an enjoyable event for all people. With no complaints about any of that other behavior, there is no reason to restrict it at this time."

It was them asked if masturbating was banned in all of ScottTrade or just in the stands, to which Davidson replied, "Well of course you have those cooky special interest groups. So while we can ban it in the stands, we had to provide by Federal law some designated areas where fans can go to and, uh, take care of any personal business. Let's just say you should avoid the new rooms behind sections 102, 206, and 313."

[This story is a satire of public figures.]