The Professional Inline Hockey Association just announced that St. Louis would be a target for league expansion in the upcoming season. In an incredible move, unprecidented in professional sports history, St. Louis has been awarded not one, not two, not even three, but four franchises for the upcoming season in the PIHA. The teams will be: the Midwest Tornadoes (Ballwin), the River City Whalers (St. Charles), the St. Louis Rattlers (St. Charles) and the Southside Snipers (Somewhere south?). League managers and owners are excited at this amazing and rapid expansion. Certainly this league is set to "Blow Up", as advertised on the league website.
In keeping with the league's policy of "not expanding too fast and too soon," only four teams were awarded to the St. Louis area, instead of the standard dozen or so. Said league founder and president Charley Yoder, "I think that the restraint our league showed in only giving out four franchises to that area this year is in line with our policies. Get it? 'In-Line'? That's pretty funny, you have to admit. Anyway, this market is so exciting that we had to expand there. And expand and expand and expand. I see great things for roller hockey in St. Louis. Great things."
Given the relatively new status of the league, and the number of teams awarded, the price for expansion was fairly reasonable. An ad running in the back of the Riverfront Times asked readers if they "ever wanted to own a professional sports team." Four people replied to the 1-800 number listed on the back, and after a brief telephone interview, an online application form and a $50 check made out to the PIHA Fiji Island Holding Trust, they were awarded their franchises. Given the intense popularity of the now-defunct St. Louis Vipers IHL team, this seems like money well spent, according to the one owner who had a working number listed. This owner, wishing to remain unnamed for fear of intense publicity and media scrutiny, plans to invest wisely in the team. Hopefully, it was noted, the players are willing to play for free and make their own jerseys and skates, and then the team might begin to make some money.
Seemingly the only person upset in the move is the owner of the Cincinnati Flying Monkeys, who somehow got grouped in the five-team 'Gateway Division' with the four Saint Louis expansion franchises. "How the hell did that happen?" he asked. "What a frickin job they worked on me. I pay my franchise fee, and they give me the hose. Why not put me in the "Canadian West Division, while we are sticking it up my ass? Who planned this stupid league?"
Reached for comment, relentless St. Louis sports cheerleader Mayor Francis Slay, added, "My staff tells me that the St. Louis area already had two minor league inline hockey teams, the St. Louis Pythons (St. Peters) and the River City Stingray (St. Charles) for indoor skating hockey. Well this is a fine day for the area. I am really proud that we can play hockey on wheels and without ice. Sadly, since they are not in the city limits, we cannot tax them, but I plan on requesting more expansion soon to within the city limits."
Slay added, "I predict this whole thing folds, I mean, becomes successful within a few short years. Four teams? What an amazing acheivement. I think that accomplishment alone merits my re-election." The Mayor was then asked about crime, the school board, crumbling roads, homeless people, taxes and other less important issues, to which he responded, "Why do you always bring up that other shit? I am trying to talk about my hometown. I am trying to put a positive spin on something that is happening in this city. Any you bring up this other peripheral crap? Come on, man, just let me talk up this city's upside for once without taxes-this and homeless-that. Just once."
[This story is a satire of public figures.]
[This league, however, is not made up.]
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