Hot ticket in town: Women's soccer

biThe Saint Louis University women's soccer team has, for the second consecutive season, managed to lock up the Atlantic-10 championship. The stellar play of the league rookie of the year and some other women in shorts resulted in a trip to the title game of the league tournament. After dispatching their A-10 foes in order, the Lady Billikens are looking forward to getting their first opponent in the NCAA championship bracket and starting on the path to a national title.

Tickets to Lady Billiken soccer games have been hard to come by. Said one renowned scalper, "I have seen a steady increase in demand for these tickets. I am fairly certain that, with the Cardinals' great season over with and with the Rams only playing a few more times at home this year, the Lady Bills tickets are the hottest ticket in town." When asked about the Steamers, Blues and other college sports, he replied, "Don't waste my time with that other crap! No money in that stuff."

Reached for comment, Fr. Lawrence Biodi, president of the Jesuit university, noted, "Haha! We're out-drawing the Blues! At women's soccer! Once we get that new kick butt stadium built on campus, we can really stick it to them with our basketball attendance. And we can build a wall or fence around the campus to keep people out. I have been itching for that wall for a while, with towers on the perimeter."

A regular scene at local college bars and fraternity gatherings has been a group of young men drunkenly salivating at the sight of sweaty women running around in short shorts. One of these fine exemplars of academia noted, "Those soccer women are pretty darned hot. Wooh, look at her, she is smokin'!" He was then asked about his thoughts on the team's success, to which he replied, "What? Who cares? No one watches women's sports for fundamentals or for competition. Like everyone else, women's sports is watched for the women. The smaller the outfits and the hotter the women the better. SLU soccer girls are right up there. But you know what would make this better? Thong bikinis. You want to talk about a spike in attendance? Thong bikinis - think about it. Hey, pass me another Budweiser!"

[This story is a satire of public figures.]