St. Louis College of Pharmacy game not some kind of scheduling prank

The Saint Louis College of Pharmacy has a rich tradition of academic excellence, and specializes, as the name tends to indicate, in preparing students for working as a pharmacist or in a related field. Although one might not expect it, the STLCOP has an athletic program, and having recently joined the Kentucky Intercollegiate Althetic Conference in the NAIA, they have been met with a great deal of success on the court. The success, however, has not been because of superior athletic performance, but instead because of the numerous forfeits that the STLCOP receives when the other team fails to show up for the games.

Said a STLCOP senior and member of the campus athletic booster club, "It is really strange. We get our faces painted, and we party a little bit to get read, and then when we get to the arena to cheer on our team, there is no opponent. This happens more often than not." To-date the STLCOP men's basketball team is 24-5, having only played five games, all losses. Despite the poor performance and statistics on the court, the team has already locked up the regular season title thanks to the 24 forfeits to this point. This is the school's latest in a long line of athletic titles for the institution, including an undefeated wrestling team that never once wrestled, and a swimming team championship when no swimming pool was necessary.

Reached for comment, a junior member of the conference rival Midway College basketball team, noted, "We saw them on the schedule and thought it was some kind of joke or typo. So we all went to a party and missed the games. Why the hell would a pharmacy school have an athletic department? What would they be doing on the court playing basketball? They should be in the pharmacy study lab learning to count blue and white pills, not wasting their time on the court. Seriously, I am really cheesed that this turned into a couple of forfeits for us. And what the hell is a Eutectic? I mean, honestly, do they take Dr. Mario as a final exam in one of their classes? What are they doing over there that takes six years for a damned degree?"

The student was referring to the Eutectic, which is explained on the website as the chemical term for the mixing of two solids to form a liquid, aptly visualized in the form of a monster in a lab coat holding a couple old-time pharmacy tools. Optomistic about his team's success, the STLCOP president has petitioned for a move from the NAIA into the NCAA Division I ranks. "We have been putting up some incredible records here in NAIA and I think it is about time we had our due. I think that the Big 12 is ready to expand and we will be ready to meet the challenge. As I understand it, life is fifty percent showing up, and we seem to have that down. That's why we win so darn much. That and the other team not showing up, that also has a lot to do with it, but I am not about to let the NCAA in on that little tidbit."

[This story is a satire. Similarities to actual people/events is coincidental.]