Rams D to blame poor play on tainted Turducken

The Saint Louis Rams have a very important divisional matchup this weekend against the surging San Francisco 49ers. [PSA - For those of you who don't habla Espanol, San Fransicso is Spanish for City Where Gays Get Married.] The Niners have been winning games, something the Rams have been avoiding for a while. While the Rams have their eyes on a top pick in next spring's draft, their rival has dreams of winning a wild card spot in the playoff race. The game this weekend is a key contest, and both teams are eagerly awaiting the chance to get on the field.

Getting a head start on the post-game activities is the team press release corps, which has already planned the team announcements for after the game. While this might seem unprecedented, many compare this to political candidates who write both acceptance and concession speeches, knowing they will need one. Such is apparently the practice in the NFL, expecially on a holiday weekend like this one. Reached for comment, team president John Shaw noted, "Well, what with the Thanksgiving holiday approaching, we decided to give some of our support staff some extra time off. So we had the girls upstairs in the press release group draft up the post-game news snippets to send out to the media."

Shocking as this might seem, the press releases claim that the Rams' poor run defense in this upcoming game on Sunday is attributed to a tainted batch of Turducken. Turducken, a favorite of NFL legend and video game kingpin John Madden, is a chicken stuffed with stuffing and then stuffed in a duck and then stuffed in a turkey. While this might seem excessive, especially to starving people in Africa, this is a normal, healthy way to spend your Thanksgiving. Once in a tryptophan-induced coma, the Turducken afficianado can then watch some NFL matchups of teams far better than the Rams all day long.

When asked about the Turducken excuse, Shaw commented, "That Frank Gore is a hell of a runner. And I don't want to be shy about it, so let me just tell you outright that our run defense has been abysmal. You don't need to even understand football to know that much. So after Gore runs us up and down the gridiron this weekend, we will have a story all lined up for the press. Tainted or not, that Turducken is taking the fall, not me." Shaw was then asked about what would happen in the unlikely event that the Rams defense can shut down Gore and the rest of the 49ers offense, to which he replied, "Well then they had better get a press release ready about me eating my hat and kissing my own ass, cuz that ain't happening."

The Rams' private Thanksgiving brunch chef was not pleased to hear this report. "Blame the Turducken, will they?" he mused angrily at news of the planned press release. "Okay, if they want some tained Turducken, I can give them some tainted Turducken." The chef then, blinded by rage, proceeded to throw away all of the bread and meat stuffing and place an order for two cases of canned dog food, as well as ordering his sous chefs to take the birds out of refridgeration to thaw on the counter a few days too early. "I am not going out like some fool for no reason. Let's see them stop the run while their collective asses are exploding. Lesson to readers? Don't piss off your chef."

[This story is a satire of public figures.]