It's been a while since one of these got published. With good reason, because they are awful.
NAACP lodges formal 'lack of diversity' complaint against NHL [You've got Donald Brashear and Jerome Iginla and then who?]
NHL tickets not selling well in North St. Louis City [This is closely tied to the previous rejected headline.]
Coach Q to Pleau: Thank you for firing me! [How do you think people on the Titanic life boats felt? Ask coach Q.]
Aaron Miles waiting for big payday [Ripping on this guy is way too easy, since he has such a high opinion of himself.]
Aaron Miles too short to ride the Screamin' Eagle [This goes beyond making fun, and into just plain mean.]
1380 AM / 550 AM rumble leaves 3 dead, 12 injured [This reminds me of Anchorman, and those stations really seem to dislike each other.]
Chris Duncan aiming for 2018 Gold Glove nomination [Anyone who watched right field in game five of the World Series knows what I mean.]
Kerry Robinson upset about lack of Ryan Howard comparisons [The gag, and it is not great, is that while both are from St. Louis, only Howard gets attention from the media.]
Keith Law still hates the Cardinals with every fiber of his being [This is the dude, a former scout who now blogs for ESPN, who made it clear each and every day, up to the day you are reading this, that the 2006 Cardinals are the worst team of all time, worse than the 2004 KC Royals and the 2003 Detroit Tigers and the 1899 Cleveland Spiders.]
Steamers hooligans killed in brawl following tough loss [Now how tough are indoor soccer hooligans from the USA? Probably not so tough, and hence the story. It was lame, though.]
Indoor soccer three point shot confuses everyone [Well did YOU know there was a 3-point shot in indoor soccer? Neither did I. Darryl Durran didn't even know that.]
$25 gift card to Cardinals team store buys half a sweatshirt [How do you make a ten dollar Hanes sweatshirt worth fifty bucks? Iron on a Cardinals World Series logo.]
Area orphanage capacity too low to support NBA franchise [I made a similar gag in a prior story and this would have elaborated. But children with no parents, or at least no parents who care about them, is really not very funny at all.]
Spelling bee winner beats up poker tournament winner [Dumb idea of comparing the toughness of athetes in sports of questionable sportiness.]
World Series of Scrabble outdraws Steamers game [My buddy is a Scrabble lunatic, so this is for him.]
Phrase "Pocket Pool" banned at Billiards tournament [Good one liner, but a dumb story. I tried this one out and it bombed.]
Georgia Frontiere can't find St. Louis on a map [Same thing - good one liner, bad joke in practice. Maybe not even a good one liner ...]
Suppan: I support the cloning of hot-assed bitches only [Yes, he was in the anti-cloning ad. But if his feet were put to the fire, like most men, we would support the cloning of hot-assed bitches and perhaps also some skanktastic hos as well.]
Grudzielanek: Gold Glove not as cool as a World Series Ring [Lesson for ballplayers: Ask for too much = Get sent to KC, MO, with a Gold Glove consolation prize. Ask for reasonable amount = Be on World Series team.]
Governor's Cup named lamest trophy in Missouri history [Really it is. No one here gives a crap. So Matt Blunt gives it out? Whoopie.]
Chiefs pumped for Governor's Cup game, Rams not so much [Different take on the above joke. Whooptie doo.]
Cubs fans not bitter, just suicidal and depressed [I thought this up a while ago, then it was in the Post-Dispatch. 2004 - Red Sox break the curse, similar to the Cubs' curse. 2005 - Cross-town rival White Sox get a ring, also having been a while since they won it all. 2006 - Long time division rival and arch enemies the Cardinals win a ring. Poor Cubbies. Hahahahahahaahaha!!!]
Talent: McCaskill is a Royals/Chiefs fan! [Some people would seriously vote against her based on these ads. I know I would.]
[These stories would have been satires of public figures.]
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