Tinoisamoa: Great surfing in San Diego

The San Diego Chargers handed out a serious on-the-field beating to the Saint Louis Rams last weekend. LaDanian Tomlinson put on a rushing clinic, having torched the Lambs for two scores on the ground and another through the air for good measure. While this might be a moral victory for holding the perennial fantasy football MVP to only three TDs, the Rams looked pretty awful on defense. Missing from the improved, but still needing improvement, defensive unit was linebacker Piso Tinoisamoa, who has been nursing an injury of some kind that seemed to keep him from playing.

Said Piso, reached for comment, "It was a good time to get a wrist injury, let me tell you. Have you ever tried to tackle Tomlinson? Glad I missed that one." Pressed to elaborate, he added, "Well I just got that five year extension, so I can kind of lay it up for a little while. No need to look foolish unnecessiarily. And what's great about this whole thing is now people are talking about how much better things might have been if I had played. This is a huge win-win situation for me." Tinoisamoa was then reminded that the Rams wound up losing the game, to which he noted, "Yeah, that's a kick in the pants. Oh well."

When asked what the game looked like to him from the sidelines, Piso noted, "Actually I was out surfing at the time of the game. You are only in San Diego so often during the season and the surfing is excellent out there. No, I was not there. I had someone stand in for me. You would be amazed at how many people are willing to wear your jersey on the sidelines in street clothes for a couple hundred bucks. Really nice of that guy to cover for me. And boy am I lucky that I didn't get this cast wet. That doctor would have had my ass!"

[This story is a satire of public figures.]

St. Louis celebrates championship with ... violence

The Saint Louis Cardinals, having just won their first championship in almost a quarter of a century, decided to celebrate in style. A fantastic parade and ceremony capped off an improbable run at the World Series title, and many of the fans chose to join the team responsibly in the revelry. Some people, apparently more and more each day, decided to celebrate in a less conventional manner, by committing violent crimes.

The Federal Bureau of Investigation has finally named St. Louis the most dangerous city in America. After years of trying to get over the hump, the city managed to get to the top of these infamous rankings. Said Mayor Francis Slay, "I can't say I'm thrilled. Frankly, this city has been slowly progressing deeper into the recesses of hell each year I have been in office. I swear, that is a coincidence. It has been bad enough being mentioned in the same sentence as cities like Reno, Laredo, Atlanta, Compton, and East St. Louis for crime statistics. But now to be number one? Damn it."

Not only did Detroit hand the World Series to the Cardinals on a silver platter, they also gladly passed the title of biggest criminal hellhole in the contiguous United States to the community here as well. Reached for comment, Tiger manager Jim Leyland noted, "Well the increase in crime is probably actually due to the Detroit fans that came down to St. Louis for a week. You don't really think those stats came out this weekend all skewed like that on chance, do you? Good old Detroit fans, spreading the love in St. Louis. I saw some real first-class Detroit-style crimes going on from my hotel room. Kind of makes you proud, seeing the hometown fans representing on the road like that."

Mayor Slay continued, "I am glad we overtook Detroit for the World Series, but not so glad we overtook them for the crime capitol. You know, those stats are for the city only, not the county or the rest of the metropolitan area. They are a little misleading. I need to become mayor of Belleville or Huntleigh or something like that. Crime city, USA, yessir. How the hell did I let the DNC talk me into running for this job?"

[This story is a satire of public figures.]

World Series Parade attracts record number of hoosiers

With the World Series parade came a great deal of revelers. The powerful KMOX signal created a radius of Cardinal fans hundreds of miles in each direction, and the KTRS signal keeps a few dozen of those fans happy with its craptastic broadcast. Everyone within Cardinal nation wished they could be a part of this memorable day last Sunday. Many people packed up and drove for hours just to get a glimpse of their favorite players. Some complications did arise when Redbird fans from less sophisticated areas of the midwest made their way into a large metropolitan area for the first time.

Reached for comment, Mayor Francis Slay, noted, "Saint Louis is a great place to visit and we would normally love to have a ton of out-of-town dollars being spent here. But some of the idiots that showed up for this parade really frustrated me and the other people who live hear year-round." Asked to elaborate, Mayor Slay responded, "That funny lookin light flashy thing is a street light, Zeke. And the red hand, as opposed to the white outline of a person walking, means 'Don't Walk'. Yes, Rusty, the big city lights can be frightening to those who dare venture out of their trailers and into urbania. Learn to use a crosswalk and don't snarl traffic to a halt, you hicks!"

County Executive Charlie Dooley added, "We have seen a great deal of business increases in the county and outlying areas, thanks to the tourists coming to the parades. The local grocers can hardly keep the Pabst and Stag on the shelves. Don't even get me started on the dollars being generated at our local Wal-Marts. And the gun shops, tobacco stores, RV rest areas and other fine establishments. It really is excellent."

Mayor Slay, continuing his comments, noted, "The hard, black top to the street is called black top. See, large machines come through and do something called 'lay pavement', and that makes a more durable right of way for automobiles. The fancy kind of autos, not the Duster or the Four-Wheeler. God, I hate those hoosiers. Don't you have baseball out in the sticks?"

[This story is a satire of public figures.]

Sports Bar Review: Al Hrabosky's Ballpark Saloon

Stlsports has decided to start occasionally reviewing local sports-themed restaurants and bars, as a part of the mission of keeping the readers informed on all things sports. Sports bars, being inherently related to sports, seemed like a logical progression in diversifying the type of fake sports news you can only get here and about a dozen other places on the web.

Last night, Stlsports went to the infamous Al Hrabosky's attempt at a sports bar, properly named Al Hrabosky's Ballpark Saloon. It was a kind of late night, hence the no-post-Wednesday. Here is the story.

A little background on the bar: Al Hrabosky was a fan-favorite sociopathic middle relief pitcher for the Cardinals back in the 1970's. He was known for his wild appearance and crazy behavior on the mound. After his playing days had ended, "The Mad Hungarian", as he became to known, got into the broadcasting business. Al can be seen giving color analysis with Dan "Homer" McLaughlin on Fox Sports Midwest. Soon the entrepreneur bug began to bite at big Al's heels, and he decided to open up a shrine to dram shop litigation, the Ballpark Saloon. The BPS is a giant series of metal sheds on a dilapidated parking lot, only a block and a half from the new Busch Stadium. Slightly farther away than "building collapse waiting to happen" Paddy-O's, the BPS has a steady stream of fans and a steady stream of booze. I have been there only twice before. The first time, it was the last Missouri stop on my bachelor party (think about that for a second ... oh, now you get it), and I went there a second time the next morning to pick up my debit card that I left there in a drunken stupor.

A little background on the evening: With me were Cupcake, of fantasy football fame, and Doghair, new to the Stlsports family. We decided to head down there to watch game four of the World Series within a few hundred yards of people who had paid much much more to see the game in person than we had. Doghair decided to hawk some tickets at several times face value. I swear I had nothing to do with that, Officers. Anyway, he told us that all the drinks were on him that night, as well as any food. This event was wife and child free, so we could act like pigs. We sat outside since it was so damned crowded indoors. Flapjack, also of fantasy sports fame, was a notable absentee. He is 'that guy' when the home team is playing an important game. He dogs on the hometown all the time. When the Rams lost the Superbowl, he was almost murdered by my party guests. He did manage to call and text obnoxious anti-Pujols messages. That dude (I love 'em) sucks ass sometimes, and he knows it.

We took the Metrolink downtown, on the eight hundred trillion dollar extension. It was nice, I guess. Very few shivings or shootings occurred on this trip, and most of the people that lived on the train tracks were also rooting on the Redbirds. On the way home, drunkass Doghair fell asleep on the train. Not having the heart to let him wake up alone and robbed at the airport, I helped him out at our stop. Metrolink Grade: B

Doghair kept pestering Stlsports and Cupcake to eat some food. Finally having some cash, he was happy to piss it away on us. Desperate to get him off of my back, Stlsports ordered a BBQ brisket sandwich for a seemingly reasonable seven bucks. Not my money, so what the hell. After being told what a loser I was for not ordering a twenty dollar slab of ribs, I told Doghair that I would make up for it on the beer end of the deal. The brisket was fine, slathered in sauce to hide the undoubtedly low grade of meat. I am sure it was up to health code. Hopefully. I'm positive the fact that I drank a third of a bottle of Pepto at work today is unrelated to that sandwich. Doghair ate a giant basket of fries by himself and did not get sick from it. In fact, those spuds probably kept him from yaking on the train ride out of downtown. BPS Food Grade: B-

Our waitress was pretty cute. She was not very flirty and since it was cold, we saw next to no skin. (Look, I know I am married, but hey I am a guy at a sports bar here.) She was quick with the beer when we asked for it, although that shit is so expensive. Good gracious! She earned huge points for letting wildly drunken Doghair pick her up unsuspectingly like a rag doll and jump around with her after a big play. He even spilt and broke a beer on the play. No complaints from her really boosts her score. She also did not complain when super drunk and rowdy dude in front of us shattered his plastic lawn chair while celebrating. Too bad Doghiar is a cheap tipper - she deserved better. BPS Waitress Grade: A-

The beer selection was pretty simple. If it was an A-B product and was in a grocery store, they probably had it. A six pack, served either in a six pack box or in a bucket, depending on the waiter, was twenty bucks. This is only a three hundred percent markup from the grocery store, which is a pretty incredible deal considering how close we were to the ballpark. It was particularly cost-effective, since Doghair paid for all of that crap. I like A-B as much as anyone, and the more you drink, the better it is. Like I said before, it was cold and came out to us quick. And I drank a ton of it. BPS Beer Grade: B

As earlier stated, we are all married men. We are not picking anyone up, or smootchin' on anyone. We just like looking at women who are acting like drunken idiots and who are flashing a little skankiness. That being said, there were a few hotties there. The cold weather prevented too much clothing augmentation of mediocre women. (Goodness that sounds so sexist.) We had fun trying to pick out which women had fake boobs, lips, butts, etc. and who was dressed far too slutty for their age. Lots of makeup going on at a rowdy sports bar. I was not very impressed, but I know that if it had been July, things would have been better. BPS Women Scenery Grade: C+

There was the typical corny white guy DJ working in the tent that night. He was a complete idiot. He played stupid music and just made us all want to punch him in the face. He misquoted famous movie lines, at the wrong times. This was worse than the corny wedding DJ, and you know who those morons are. The BPS DJ tried to break up the uncomfortable nature of the Anti-Proposition 2 commercial by making some jokes and playing some music. Didn't work - he came off as a jackass. That guy should be shot. Beaten and shot. And then near the late innings, some fairly decent skanky women started dancing on picnic tables. This was some good pevlic dancing and girating, perhaps done by amateur night semi-pros. We were cold and a little bored during the between inning breaks and this was a welcome change. Well, Mr. No Fun Security Guy told her to get off of the table. Thanks a lot, loser. Why don't you tell the DJ to cut it out instead of drunk dancing woman? BPS Non-waitress Employees Grade: D

Some other things about this bar made it a fun and unique experience. Bacardi women were throwing out some poser-tastic skull caps that K-Fed would have been jealous of. I saw Randy Kerraker, of 1380 AM ESPN Radio fame, and he is really nice in person. We did not, however, see Mr. Hrabosky himself. There is a one-way mirror going from the men's urinals out into the women's bathroom waiting line. You can see them fixing their hair, picking their teeth, moving their bras around in this mirror - pretty high quality. The place is also a big shed. A big damned shed with sports memorobilia hanging up all over the place. The parking lot could not have been that expensive to buy and he is selling expensive beers. The Madman is making some mad green. The irreverent T-Shirts were hilarious. They were not twenty five dollars hilarious, but you got a chuckle reading them on the way into the bar. It was a pretty fun place to watch a ballgame. BPS Intangibles Grade: A-

Overall, the Ballpark Saloon got mixed marks. I am sure that place is a little more fun for the guys in the warmer months. But as far as a place to watch the ballgame, it was pretty cool. The crowd there was pumped. The beer flowed freely. The women wanted to dance filthy-style. A nice night was had by all, except the DJ, who I hope got beat up and fired after the game. Al Hrabosky's Ballpark Saloon Overall Grade: B

How you like 'em now, national media?

In case you didn't know, the St. Louis Cardinals just won the World Series.

That's right, Buster Olney, Tim Kirkjuan, Peter Gammons, Bill Simmons, and every other hater sports writer out there. They won. No, I didn't think they would do it a month ago. No one did. But after a couple wins, I thought it was possible. During the NLCS, I even thought it was a good probabiltiy. I didn't hate. But we all know what you will say. The Tigers coughed it up. They are the worst champs ever. They didn't deserve it. They should not have gotten into the playoffs. Same old shit.

Here is our message to you: Suck our collective balls.

Party it up, St. Louis!

Rain-out ensures a ride home full of profanities

The St. Louis Cardinals had planned on playing a little playoff baseball this evening, but Mother Nature had other plans. The cruel old hag that she is, she decided to dump a steady mist of cold, scummy rain on St. Louis over the course of the last twenty four hours. Now people in the midwest know why so many people in Seattle are depressed, pale and suicidal. Major League Baseball, working closely with the FOX television network (read: FOX is to puppeteer hand as MLB backside is to puppet opening), decided to postpone the game by a day after several painstaking hours of delays. Many fans have been sitting tirelessly in the stands, getting soaked with cold, dreary rain and while eating expensive hot dogs and drinking even more expensive beer. To some, this is an unfortunate experience that will sour the feelings of certain fans. (To me, sitting in my well-heated house, I am not so inconvenienced.)

Now that the game has been called, the multitude of hardcore fans have to trek back home in the wet, cold and crowded highways and byways. Several fans expressed their frustration with the situation. Noted one fan, "I am going to kick Bud Selig in the ass if I see him in person." Astutely observant, another attendee added, "I used to only hate FOX for paying Tim McCarver to ruin baseball broadcasts, but now I hate them for trying to squeeze in this game and only relenting after we had been sitting there for several terrible hours. I am going home to kick my dog, and possibly my children." Finally, another spectator summed up his experience with a range of colorful profanities, finally noting, "Well, at least I am all the more closer to the East Side. I may as well spend my beer money over there."

Reached for comment, MLB commissioner Bud Selig added, "This is unfortunate. But we realized that since no one outside of the midwest or Michigan was going to watch this game, no one that really mattered would be inconvenienced. No one, except of course my beloved and cherished East Coast sports reporters, without whom the nation would never know about how great the East Coast teams are. Too bad their contracts required them to attend this game. Really, I tried my best to get the Dodgers and Yankees in the World Series, but it just didn't work out. We have lost millions in advertising because of these two teams. They had to mess it all up. They have forgotten about the true meaning of baseball: advertising revenue. I am sorely disappointed in the Cardinals and the Tigers. I am considering putting them up for contraction in the offseason, I am so pissed off."

[This story is a satire of public figures.]

Rams hope to hold LT2 to five touchdowns

The Saint Louis Rams have been preparing to face the San Diego Chargers for their first game after their bye week. After a disappointing showing against a Seattle Seahawks team that was missing their star running back, Shaun Alexander, the Rams are hoping to improve against yet another good team. The Rams managed to keep Seattle backup Maurice Morris for the most part in check against them, bucking the team trend of letting backups look like Gayle Sayers. Now the Rams are getting ready for LaDanian Tomlinson, one of the league's premier backs, as their next big challenge.

Said defensive coordinator Jim Haslett, "Oh yes, Tomlinson can play some football. He can throw, he can catch, he can run. Shit, I bet that dude can kick field goals or punt. I think that if we can keep him to less than six touchdowns on Sunday, that will be quite a coup for this defensive unit." Offensive coordinator Greg Olson noted, "If that defense gives up over thirty points to one player, I don't know about our chances at winning the game, unless the special teams or defensive side of the ball plans on scoring a few times. We aren't really an offensive-minded offensive unit. We have more of a Frank J. Selke Award style of offensive play. That's a hockey reference for you football people. Go look it up."

Tomlinson is taking the entire NFL experience all in stride. Said Tomlinson, in response to a question about whether or not we should believe the hype, "What hype? Now hype is for something that's not for real. I'm all for real!" Tomlinson was asked if he would have family and friends in the stands for the Rams game in San Diego, to which he noted, "I called my friends and asked if they would visit my distinguished ass in California. I told them that I would knock those Rams out with black Nikes on my feet!" LT2 was then asked about his career after he left the gridion, to which the suddenly uncomfortable interviewee responsed, "What am I gonna do if I can't play football? I'm not good at nothin'!"

As to the plan of attack against a much improved Rams defense, Tomlinson noted, "If the Charges wanna win, they put LT in!" Coach Haslett responded to these boastful comments from Tomlinson, noting, "Man, I wish I had that jackass on my fantasy team. He freaking kills me each year."

[This story is a satire of public figures.]

My boss, the baseball fan

This actually happened seconds ago:

My Boss: "Hey, you know anyone who has any extra World Series tickets?"

Me: [Laughter. No actual response.]

What? Are you serious?

Okay, let's pretend that I did know someone who had a few 'extra' World Series tickets, just sitting around the house, maybe being used as bookmarks, perhaps clipped to the fridge - whatever the case may be. Now what? What if I say, "I sure do, Boss!" Am I expected to get ahold of those tickets and hand those over at face value to be used by him and/or some clients?

What if I had some tickets myself? Would I be expected to sell them to him and/or the clients at face value? If I had tickets, and for some insane reason was not going to the game myself, I would sell them at about ten times face value and maybe make a couple mortgage payments with the proceeds.

Extra World Series tickets? Good God, man, this is St. Louis.

Interview: Kenny Rogers

Since the middle of the first inning of the second game of the 2006 World Series, everyone has wanted to know what the brown substance on Kenny Rogers' pitching hand was. Some speculate that it was pine tar, while Rogers claimed it was a clump of dirt. Conspiracy theorists have irresponsibly jumped the gun and asked a series of obnoxious rhetorical questions of Rogers and his alleged cheating. While irresponsible journalism has its place, like in politics, it has no place here in the realm of sports.

Finally, after hours of speculation, Rogers has agreed to discuss the matter with Stlsports to once and for all put an end to the issue. As is usually the case, this blog has scooped the so-called insiders and the rest of the national media. A transcript of the interview follows:

Stlsports: Thanks for agreeing to meet with me, Kenny.

Kenny Rogers: No problem. I just want to clear the air once and for all.

Stlsports: So, let's just get right to it. The entire sports world wants to know: What was that substance on your pitching hand in the first inning of game two of the 2006 World Series against the Cardinals in Detroit?

Rogers: Poop.

Stlsports: Excuse me, did you say poop?

Rogers: Yes, poop.

Stlsports: Uh, would you care to elaborate?

Rogers: I mean, what else is there to say?

Stlsports: Well, I can think of a couple follow-up questions. First, how did it get there? Was it your own? If not, whose was it? Was it there intentionally? Why was it there? Did it give you a competitive advantage?

Rogers: Well, yes, it was my own.

Stlsports: And why in good God was it on your hand?

Rogers: The bathroom stall in the clubhouse was out of T.P., and the game was about to start, and so I ...

Stlsports: Wow, I think that about does it, Kenny.

Rogers: I thought you had some more questions.

Stlsports: No, really, I'm fine. Please leave and don't touch me.

Rogers: I just don't want people to think I cheated.

Stlsports: Whatever, man, just get out of my studio and don't touch anything on the way out.

Rogers: Do you want your pen back?

Stlsports: Just keep it and get out.

[This story is a satire of public figures.]

NLCS Recap: My wife, the baseball fan

Actual conversation my wife and I had a few moments ago:

Stlsports: I just read on ESPN.com that some of the writers don't think that the Cardinals really won the NLCS so much as the Mets lost it.

Wife: WHAT???

Stlsports: Yeah, they claim that the Cardinal pitching was mediocre, the hitting was not that great and that this matchup is a nightmare for FOX because it is such a mismatch. Basically the Mets imploded and handed the series to a wildly inferior team, in thier opinion.

Wife: "Fuck ESPN! I am cancelling your magazine subscription!"

God bless her little heart.

Lazyass takes elevator at ballgame

The fabulous new Busch stadium is not just a great place to watch a ballgame. It is also a great place to see giant, glowing advertisements, a great place to sit in seats that are a couple inches smaller from side-to-side than the old Busch, and a great place to buy beer at fourty cents an ounce, plus tip. One amazing feature that is regularly overlooked by those who would praise the genius of the design of that stadium is the inclusion of many elevators throughout the facility.

According to team management, these elevators have been put in place to help the 'differently-abled' and the enfeebled make their way to and from their seats without having to trek up endless up and down ramps. Said team Czar Bill DeWitt, "These were installed to make life a little easier on our older guests or people who have trouble moving around. We want to make sure that all of our fans can have a good time."

It has been noted, however, that some people recently have been taking these elevators who do not have anything wrong with them. Some people are just lazy, while others are drunk. A significant number are fans of sizeable girth who could actually stand to do a little walking. All of these fans, who have nothing stopping them from using their two legs that God gave them to get to their seats, are clogging these elevators and preventing those who need them from using them. In response to news of this behavior, DeWitt noted, "What lazy assholes. I bet those are the same people who are parking in the handicapped spots and putting up their grandparents' handicapped tag in the rearview mirror. If I see someone doing that, I am going to punch them in the mouth."

DeWitt continued, "I hate people who are so lazy. That is just totally rediculous." DeWitt was then picked up by his personal assistant and placed in a golf cart for the ride over to his office across the stadium. Before he left, and just as the foot massage maching turned on in the golf cart, he noted, "That is the type of dishonesty and bad attitude that has no place in this ballpark."

[This story is a satire of public figures.]

Empty seats not a concern for Checketts

The Saint Louis Blues are on the rebound. After breaking their futile string of twenty five consecutive seasons with a playoff appearance (and without an appearance in the Stanley Cup Finals), the team is trying to win back the local fan base. A few seasons ago, the labor union decided to go on strike and the owners decided to lock them out preemptively. Then the team sold off most of the good players and tanked it, coming in dead last, even behind the Blackhawks. But new ownership is here and they plan to restore the pride in Blues hockey.

Although the team reloaded with some former superstars, many of whom used to be great back in the late 1990's, the fans have not yet returned. The seating capacity at the ScottTrade/Savvis/Kiel Center is a little over twenty thousand, but less than half of that has been coming to the games. Owner Dave Checketts, reached for comment, noted, "We have been competing with Rams football and playoff Cardinal baseball. Of course we will have some empty seats here and there. Overall, I am quite pleased with the attendance."

Checketts was then asked what excuse he will use for the empty seats after the World Series has ended and on days the Rams are not playing, to which he replied, "My PR machine is working on that as we speak. Really, the economic viability of this franchise is not based solely on the ticket sales. We have concessions and luxury boxes and merchandising to make up the gap between the gate numbers and the operating expenses."

In what the team has called an unrelated move, the cost of some items have recently seen a slight uptick in cost. A twenty ounce beer that used to cost seven dollars now costs three hundred dollars. Said Checketts, "This cost increase is not due to the poor attendance and high salaries. There has been an increase in the costs of beer from the distributors that was a little unexpected and, sadly, we have to pass this on to the consumer. We decided to upgrade from Bud Light and Budweiser to bring better product than before. You would be shocked how many people are buying these new and improved beers." Gas chromatography has revealed that the beers being sold are actually Pabst and Miller High Life, to which Checketts retorted, "Your GC must be broken."

Also, replica jerseys have gone up in price from fifty dollars to nine thousand dollars. Checketts has blamed this on "a rise labor costs in Honduras and Malaysia, not on poor ticket revenues." The same can be said for the souveneir pucks going up from three dollars to eighty dollars, as well as for the posters increasing from five dollars to one hundred dollars. "That damned poster ink has gotten pricey," noted Checketts.

[This story is a satire of public figures.]

Tim McCarver makes non-obvious statement during broadcast

Tim McCarver has been in the broadcast booth for the FOX network during the National League Championship Series, partnering with Joe Buck and Luis Gonzales. McCarver has been making some astute observations during the game that have wowed the fans and earned him the admiration of his fellow announcers. His grasp of the blatantly non-obvious is quite impressive, indeed.

For example, after the Mets fell behind by five runs early in the third game of the series, McCarver noted, "This isn't the way the Mets wanted to come out in this game." Luis Gonzales reacted by congratulating McCarver for his excellent observation. It was in fact a great observation because many teams do actually like to give up as many as a dozen runs early in playoff games on the road with the series tied so that their crushing comeback is all the more dramatic. But McCarver used his old-time baseball knowledge to bring out the true story behind the game.

In the broadcast during the late innings in the fourth game, the Mets had crushed several homeruns and gotten many hits and runs off of the weary Cardinals bullpen. This drubbing happened in just two terrible innings. During the eigth inning, McCarver added, "The Mets have hit the Cardinals bullpen well these last two innings. They really scored some runs." Joe Buck, in awe, replied, without a drop of sarcasm, "Wow, Tim! You are the greatest baseball broadcaster ever! Why do I even come into the booth? You could do this whole thing by yourself!"

McCarver, upon the Cardinals taking a three games to two lead in the series, commented to an amazed and impressed television audience, "The Mets need to win the next two games to get to the World Series."

In the same style of broadcasting as John Madden, McCarver hopes to become the same revered broadcaster as the football hall of famer. On his mentor, Tim noted, "Here is a classic Madden moment: The home team is down by three with possession of the football. Madden states, 'See, the quarterback throws the ball to the receiver and he runs into the endzone and that's a touchdown, right there. Six points. Six points gives them the lead, since they are down by three right now.' That is great stuff and I hope to live up to that standard."

[This story is a satire of public figures. But, yes, McCarver has made some very idiotic and obvious statements as a broadcaster. Just listen to him, if you can bear it, for a little while.]

Jim Leyland wishes Tony LaRussa good luck

Detroit Tigers manager Jim Leyland and Cardinals manager Tony LaRussa are very good friends, often calling each other during the season to talk and discuss baseball. They have known each other for many years, and Leyland served as a special scout in the Cardinals organization up until recently when he took the helm in Detroit. In fact, LaRussa was rumored to be one of the people who highly recommended Leyland for the Tigers job.

Leyland has openly discussed how happy he would be if LaRussa's Cardinals advanced to the World Series to face his Tigers. "Yes, I would love to meet Tony in the championship," commented Leyland. "What, he has been swept in three out of his four World Series appearances? Yeah, I would love to see him in the classic against us. Plus, who the hell wants to face the Mets hitters? Good gravy! I am hoping and praying for the Redbirds to get past the Mets. Please do us a favor, St. Louis!"

Said Leyland on the excitement in the city of Detroit, "We are certainly the hot topic of conversation here in Motown. Usually it is the great basketball or hockey or the terrible football that gets the city's sports attention. I am quite pleased." Leyland went on to note, "And with a chance to win the Series, the police have been stepping up security lately, as they should. I mean, hell, this IS Detroit."

Continuing, Leyland added, "This city didn't really get a chance to riot when the Pistons won, due to the high police presence. And hockey fans aren't really rioters, at least not here in America. But baseball is somewhere in between. Maybe there will be a riot, maybe not. It is kind of exciting. And what is really interesting is that the city would probably riot in celebration if we win, and it would probably riot in anger if we lost. The police chief is really not happy with me right now. He enjoyed those hundred loss seasons."

[This story is a satire of public figures.]

Memo to Mets fans

Dear Mets Fan,

Stlsports went to last night's bullpen beatdown in St. Louis, and it was disgusting. Not as disgusting, however, as the foul-mouthed, obnoxious Mets fans that showed up to St. Louis to root on their team, including you. A handful of these slovenly, unshaven, overweight, drunken degenerates made the trek down from New York, having taken time off from their jobs as delivery truck drivers, janitors and construction workers.

What is baseball heaven? Attending a playoff game in the beautiful new stadium in the best baseball city in the world. What is baseball hell? Sitting next to you, Mets Fan. Nothing like giving up a month of your salary for tickets and travel expenses so you can come down to another city and shout profanities from a whole new venue.

I guess the Mets fans are just sick of their team being the ugly stepsister to the Yankees. Maybe that's why they are so obnoxious. Maybe that's why they need about ten beers at the game. Sorry, Mets Fan, no Pabst or Stag on tap at Busch. Sorry, Mets Fan, no smoking cigars or stogies in the stands at Busch. Sorry, Mets Fan, no one is (probably) going to stab you or rob you on the way back to your hotel. Sorry, Mets Fan, but you have to deal with life here in the Midwest for one more night.

Hey Mets Fan, feel free to come up with a better insult than, "Hey, [Cardinal player], you suck!" It's what I heard all night. It's what I heard on each televised game from Shea. It's what everyone who has ever been to a game at that god-awful stadium has heard. "You suck!" Wow. Way to go, Mets Fan.

Feeling optomistic about tonight's game, Mets Fan? Hey, how well does Tom Glavine pitch on short rest? We could ask Leo Mazzone and Bobby Cox about that. Then what? Steve 'Batting Practice' Trachsel lined up for Game 7? Some other nobody, no-name pitcher ready for Game 6? Good luck, Mets.

Memo to Mets Fan: Shut the hell up.

How about another underdog reaching the World Series this year? How about the Mets watching the World Series from the comfort of their own homes? We can only hope.

Signed,

Cardinals Fan

Steven Jackson: I'm not that other Stephen Jackson

At a recent Rams press conference, starting running back Steven Jackson was taking some tough questioning from local sports reporters. A seemingly high amount of national coverage was present for the event. Some confusion and frustration was evident on both sides as the inverview unfolded, and the transcript is reproduced below:

Steven Jackson: What's up, everybody. I assume the extra national media attention here is due to the fact that I am leading the league in all-purpose yards. Booyah!

Reporter #1: Steven, I want to address the criminal charges that were filed against you today.

Jackson: What the hell are you talking about?

Reporter #1: When you entered the not guilty plea, what was going through your mind?

Jackson: I think you are looking for someone else. I haven't been charged with any crimes and I don't have any idea what you mean. I thought we were here to talk some football! How about the Seahawks game this weekend?

Reporter #2: Steven, please don't dodge our questions. Now, about this strip club parking lot shooting, can you please tell us what you were doing with that nine millimeter gun at the club in the middle of the night?

Jackson: Oh my goodness, you are an idiot. I am not that Stephen Jackson. How could you be so stupid?

Reporter #1: So is it true, then, that you fired your pistol into the air? You know, Steven, those bullets have to come down sometime. They could have hit someone, perhaps even a child. Don't you think that was a little irresponsible?

Jackson: What's irresponsible is asking these idiotic questions of the wrong person. I spell my name with a 'v' and the other Stephen Jackson spells it with a 'ph'. I play football, and he plays basketball. I am here in St. Louis and he is in Indianapolis. Do we have that clear?

Reporter #2: The only thing that I don't have clear is why you were at this strip club in the middle of the night while armed with a pistol. I mean, what good can come from such a series of bad decisions?

Jackson: If you want to see a pistol go off, keep talking like a moron.

Reporter #1: Since the infamous brawl, why haven't you changed your poor behavior, either on or off the court?

Jackson: I play on a field, fool! Not on a damn basketball court? Now I better start hearing some questions about the suspect Seahawks defensive line I plan on running through this weekend, or this interview is going to turn ugly!

Reporter #3: So are you saying that you plan on shooting at or fighting with members of this 'defensive line' you are speaking of?

Jackson: That's it! [Screaming noises.]

Jackson went on to "beat some ignorant reporter ass" and repeatedly noted, "If you talk like a bitch, you are going to get slapped like a bitch." Rams officials have been slow to respond to this incident and Coach Linehan has scheduled a March 2007 press conference to discuss the matter.

[This story is a satire of public figures. None of this happened. Duh!]

Interview: Pronger and McGwire

Saint Louis has seen its fair share of sports superstars come and go. Usually these superstars are run out of town by us slick small towners who desire a hard-nosed work ethic for minimal compensation. The high profile me-first attitude of typical pro sports stars doesn't fly well here, and thus many greedy media hogs and shameless self-promoters are shown the proverbial door. Players such as Kurt Warner, Jerome Bettis, Brendan Shanahan and Willie McGee who were always talking about themselves and making others feel like fools had short life spans here.

Two more similar players are Chris Pronger and Mark McGwire. Pronger spent several seasons here playing defense for the Blues, amassing a Norris Trophy [translation = top defensive player] and a Hart Trophy [translation = most valuable player], and managed to lead the Blues to the playoffs each season. Most intelligent people consider Pronger, however, the reason that the team has never won a Stanley Cup, despite a string of a quarter century of playoff appearances, dating to Pronger's childhood. McGwire simply saved baseball while wearing a Cardinals uniform. Years after allegedly letting Jose Canseco stick at the very least some needles in his butt in bathroom stalls, his alleged supplement-fueled tirade against the American baseball created an aura of back acne and fame that he has been hiding from for years.

Pronger now plays for the Los Angeles Mighty Ducks of Anaheim of Disney and McGwire now plays golf, while also living reclusively in Anaheim. The two are neighbors and close friends. In fact, it is rumored that the reason Pronger now wears 25 on his jersey is in honor of McGwire. The two recently had an interview on ESPN about their time in St. Louis, and a transcript is excerpted below:

Chris Berman: Thanks for joining me today, fellas!

McGwire: No problem, Boomer.

Pronger: Sure thing.

Berman: So you guys played in St. Louis at the same time. Mark with the Redbirds and Chris with the Blues. How did you enjoy your time there?

McGwire: I'm not here to talk about my time in St. Louis

Pronger: I'm pretty sure that's exactly why we are doing the inverview, Mark.

Berman: Yeah. You told me you would come down here and discuss it.

McGwire: Listen, I am willing to become a spokesman for the St. Louis tourism group or something and help people understand what a great place it is, but my past in St. Louis is really not why I am here.

Pronger: Whatever, man. The thing I remember most from my time in St. Louis is how weird the water tasted. Really strange. Which river did they dredge to get that tap water from? Blech. I cringe thinking about it.

Berman: That's it? How the water tasted? How about you, Mark?

McGwire: You know, the water taste I could deal with. It was that funky smell whenever the wind blew from the west. I don't know what they have out there, if it is a hog rendering plant or fifty thousand chicken coops or what, but it stunk quite often in the city. And not just at the stadium, but all over the place. The people there are all used to it, but it is really strange to me. I hated it.

Pronger: Yeah, I almost forgot about that smell. That was awful. And the roads sucked. Oh, and you don't want to forget about the crime. Gotta love the crime. You know, in Canada, we don't have crime. None.

Berman: Maybe my question was too vague. Let's focus on the time with your respective teams.

McGwire: Well I remember getting pulled from my last at bat to be pinch hit for by Kerry Robinson. I certainly remember that bullshit. That dude was skinnier than one of my legs ... and that's before I began legally using non-banned substances! What a way to end my career. I might as well have ended my career by letting a home run bounce off of my head. Or maybe by having my pants fall down while I ran out a ground ball to first base. Far less humiliating than to be pinch hit for by Kerry Frickin Robinson.

Pronger: I remember losing each year. Lots of losing in the post-season. Sure, we played some kick assed regular season games. But those playoffs were a different story. to end each and every season with a crushing loss, that just stunk. I would have hated to have been a fan. Whew, am I glad that nightmare is over.

Berman: So, in retrospect, if I have this correctly, you guys have mixed feelings about your playing days there?

McGwire: If by mixed feelings, you mean, I don't want to talk about it or return to that city, then yes I have mixed feelings.

Pronger: Ditto that.

Berman: But now you are both close friends in Anaheim, correct? What's that like?

McGwire: I go to the Ducks games and support Chris. I have a lot to learn about hockey. Did you know they play it on ice?

Berman: Yeah, I heard that. How about you, Chris?

McGwire: My goodness, those wacky Canadians! What a game to invent. Well when your whole country is all made of ice, what are you going to do?

Pronger: You know, Mark, Canada isn't really just made of ice. We have rocky mountains, just like America. We have forests and lakes and rivers, just like America. It can get hot in Canada from time to time.

McGwire: Excuse me, Chris, but I think I know a little something about geography.

Pronger: Have you ever been to Canada?

McGwire: I have a supplement guy up there. Apparently he can only sell his stuff in Canada. Don't know why that is. Those wacky northerners and their crazy health supplements! I love that crazy country!

Pronger: Perhaps I should rethink this friendship, as it seems you don't respect my country.

McGwire: You mean 'The 51st State'?

Berman: Gentemen, I think we got a little off topic here. Let's end it there! Thanks for coming!

[This story is a satire of public figures and of course this interview never really happened. Wow this is long.]

[Oh, and kiss my butt, Canada!]

Commentary: Reaction to tonight's episode of 'Lost'

Tonight's episode of Lost on ABC featured, as usual, some strange twists and turns. I don't usually watch much else on television besides sports, but the wife likes Lost, so I entertain her addiction by indulging in this program with her every Wednesday night. I don't like her other favorite shows, such as the reprehensable America's Next Top Model, featuring the talentless sponge and worst actress/personality ever, Tyra Banks, which is a show that makes me want to stab myself in the face.

But I digress ...

The Lost episode this evening concluded with [Warning - Plot Line Disclosure] the creepy guy who is apparently in charge of the Others revealing to Jack that the Others do in fact have some contact with the outside world beyond the island. What does he use to prove his point? What piece of evidence is shown to Jack? How could you convince this distrusting hostage of the truth of your statements?

I know, let's show footage of the Cardinals getting swept in the World Series by the Red Sox. Well that sounds great, Others leader. I really appreciate it. ABC, how thoughtful. Just when I was beginning to forget about that nightmare, and after the Fever Pitch movie and Bill Simmons' book and Peter Gammons' constant gushing, you go and show the footage again.

Hey, ABC, I tripped the other day and cut my leg. It still hurts and there is a little bit of an open wound under the band-aid. Would you like to come over and rub some salt in it? You would? Great.

Now there is only one plot line in Lost that will satisfy me. It involves Jack, who admits that he hates the damned Red Sox, shoving that casette tape up the Others guy's ass. I don't even care if Jack does it because he loves the Yankees, but I have about had it with America's love affair with the Red Sox. Wow, they won. Let's move on. MoveOn.org needs to pick this cause up and run with it. Lets all move on. No more Red Sox. Say it all together: No More Red Sox.

Sigh. Thanks.

Howard Balzer named most attractive St. Louis sports radio personality

In a recent poll by St. Louis sports radio fans, Howard Balzer was named the Most Attractive Sports Radio Personality. Balzer is featured prominently on the ESPN 1380 AM radio station, particularly in the mid-morning hours. Any local on-air personality was included in the pool of people eligibe to receive votes, and Balzer was overwhelmingly selected by the fans. While this might seem like a glorios honor, Balzer is not exactly thrilled with the outcome.

When asked about the award, he commented, "Winning this award is not as great as you might think. Most people who go into radio as opposed to television do so because the camera lenses are, oh, let's just say, not so kind to them. Did you see the other people on this ballot? Jeff Gordon, Bernie Miklasz, Kevin Slaten, John Hadley and the list goes on. Good gravy. I mean, winning this is like being named Worlds Sexiest Octagenarian. Not a ton of good choices here."

Balzer continued, "And who came up with the idea for this stupid poll? Honestly, aren't there other things to talk about in St. Louis? How about the election in less than a month? Maybe some playoff baseball? Why are we doing a poll about radio personalities? This is really obnoxious. Not John Hadley obnoxious, but obnoxious nonetheless. That Hadley guy, whoo, don't get me started on him. At least I didn't lose to him in this poll. Talk about no-talent. What a complete ... But I digress. So let's not waste our time on stuff like this in the future, okay, St. Louis?"

[This story is a satire of public figures.]

Fantasy football hurting online pornographers

As a famous national social commentator once noted, "The internet is good for three things: Looking stuff up, email and porn." This had been the law of the land until recently when pornographic websites began to lose their grip on the stranglehold of internet traffic to online fantasy sports. Several local adult smut purveyors have been feeling the pinch due to the large influx of non-porn related traffic on fantasy sports webpages. This has meant a decrease in business for some while other have reaped a huge benefit.

Reached for comment, local internet porno kingpin Roscoe Johnson noted, "We used to get a great deal of internet traffic from the hometown St. Louis crowd, but this fantasy football stuff has really cut into our bottom line. Nowadays people are logging on to their computers to get fantasy football stats instead of porn. I was so used to having thousands of hits on my dirty-assed webpages on Sundays, but no more. Sundays have gone from our best days to our worst." Sadly, too many fine reputable local internet small businesses have been feeeling the pinch with the growth of the fantasy sports industry. "It seems like no one has time for porno anymore, thanks to damned football," added Johnson.

The internet adult websites used to look at Sundays as their best opportunity to make money. Studies have shown that people would use pornography to help themselves forget about the 'preachy' lessons imposed upon them at church or some similar service.

Johnson continued, "It just seems like there is no place in the hearts and minds of so many when it comes to smut. Damned, you, pro football." On the upside, having a pro football team, and therefore pro football players, in town has helped out the local pornography retailers and the local adult dancing industry.

[This story is a satire. Similarities to persons living or dead is coincidental.]

"Lambeau Leap" not satisfying for Rams players

If there is a shrine to football, it is in Green Bay, Wisconsin at beautiful Lambeau Field. That's of course if you don't count the actual NFL-approved shrine to football in Canton, Ohio, but for the purposes of this article, Lambeau Field is it. Lambeau Field has housed some of the greatest teams in professional football history, including several Super Bowl winners. The Lombardi Trophy, given to the Super Bowl winner, is named after a Green Bay packer coach. Needless to say, there is a bunch of rich history in Green Bay.

One great tradition is for a player who scores a touchdown to leap into the stands at Lambeau to be greeted by the fans. This move has come to be known by the creative name 'The Lambeau Leap.' It is known by all and revered by the fans.

During last weekend's game against the Green Bay Packers, the hometown Rams managed to steal an important road win against a struggling team. Torry Holt, the Rams' top wide receiver, scored a crucial touchdown in the first half to help propel the team to victory. After scoring, Torry decided to try the Lambeau Leap. What happened next was less than pleasant, according to Holt.

Torry noted on his first ever Leap, "I jumped up into the stands and instead of getting patted on the back, these people were pinching me and poking me in the eyes. I think I also got stabbed in the ribs with a pocket knife or something." When told that the Leap was typically reserved for home team players, Holt commented, "Well, I know that now, but I have always thought it looked like fun. That still doesn't excuse the stabbing. Or the fact that someone poured a beer down the back of my pants and left the bottle in there. Someonel also put some poison ivy leaves up my shirt. Who the hell comes to a football game with a potpourri bag of poison ivy?"

When asked if he would be doing the Lambeau Leap again in future games, Holt added, "No I don't think so. Next time I score a touchdown I am going to do something else, like maybe pretend to moon the fans in those end zone seats. That will be much more satisfying."

[This story is a satire of public figures.]

Special Sunday Night Edition: Cardinals advance to NLCS!

In a stunning turn of events, the St. Louis Cardinals baseball squadron has advanced to the National League Championship Series for the twentieth time in the last ten years, certainly setting some kind of record. Another record setting performance came earlier this evening when I drank about twenty beers in the course of four hours. Needless to say, I am feeling pretty damned good. Or maybe it's pretty damned bad. Either way, too bad I don't live close enough to the eight hundred million dollar Metrolink extension to take it downtown to celebrate before work tomorrow.

The Cards relied upon timely hitting from Juan "Strikeout" Encarnacion, who somehow managed to hit with runners in scoring position. He has not gotten a hit with runners in scoring position since the 2003 World Series run with the Marlins. Amazing. And Chris Carpenter pitched so well that I am going to vote 'yes' on Proposition 2 in Missouri next month so that we can legally clone him with taxpayer money. That way he can pitch each game of the 2007 LCS (thanks to rapid growth technology) and ensure some big wins next fall.

God bless you, Albert Pujos. If I were you, I would go up to the announcer box and tell Tim 'Idiot' McCarver to shut the hell up. He called you 'Prince Albert' about fifty times during the course of the game. Go ahead, loyal readers, and google Prince Albert. [Editor's next-day note: Don't perform this search at work. Most certainly NSFW.] Tell me what sort of pictures are on the websites you see in the search results. Not so flattering. Stick with El Hombre and not with Painful Male Piercing.

On to the NLCS against a much more talented Mets team. This is a rematch of the 2000 NLCS. But, sorry, New York, you don't have Benny Agbayani on this team! You are sure to lose this series, you pond scum assbags!

Good luck, Redbirds. I think I need to go to the restroom now, whereupon I might become involuntarily ill. Thanks for a great season to this point!

Marquis looking forward to watching playoffs in person

Jason Marquis, starting pitcher for the St. Louis Cardinals, was selected by manager Tony LaRussa for the post-season roster, to the surprise of many. Fans and media alike were convinced that Anthony Reyes, the promising rookie, would be the final pitcher on the roster in place of Marquis. Baffled by the move, LaRussa has been fielding relentless questions from reporters who are trying to figure out the logic of this move. Regardless of the criticism, Marquis is taking it all in stride and is looking forward to being a part of the playoffs.

"I was planning on spending my time watching the playoffs from the comfort of my own home, where I have a large leather recliner and a kickass television, paid for by my rediculously high salary. But Tony wanted to make sure that I would be able to see the team perform in person, and I really appreciate that." When asked if he thought he would see any playing time in the playoffs, Marquis responded, "Not if they want to win the series."

Manager Tony LaRussa, reached for comment, noted, "Rather than giving Jason the time off and letting him relax at home, he has to suffer the indignity of watching the games in person. No way in hell he pitches, or bats or pinch-runs. That guy is keeping the end of the bench nice and warm for the real players. Each day, he will get dressed knowing he will not be playing. That's punishment."

Lost in this odd form of revenge by LaRussa is the omission of promising pitcher Anthony Reyes from the postseason roster. LaRussa added, "We certainly didn't need him for the postseason, what with our glut of stellar starting pitching. I think we can definitely contend for the title. As long as the Padres and Mets and the American League champion get the flu, that is. We had the spare roster spot for Jason to be a part of my ironic roster. I am truly the master of the mind games."

[This story is a satire of public figures.]

Possible MLS team names revealed

The expansion group looking to bring Major League Soccer to Saint Louis has recently announced the possible team names for the new franchise. A list of names has been submitted for public review and a vote will take place later this year to determine the new team moniker. However, the names has been met with little fanfare and have not created the media buzz that the expansion group was hoping for.

Currently there is a rule that professional sports team names cannot be duplicative, like the Giants (of football and baseball), Cardinals (of football and baseball), or the Rangers (of baseball and hockey). This federal regulation came into effect in the early 1990's after confusion arose amongst fans regarding the two Cardinals teams. Older teams, like those already mentioned, have been grandfathered in, but new teams or relocating teams must make the change. This regulation includes all pro sports teams, including bowling, badminton, and women's football.

Hence, when the Winnipeg Jets moved to Phoenix, they had to become the Coyotes, when the Cleveland Browns moved to Baltimore, they changed their name to the Ravens, and when the Houston Oilers moved to Nashville, they were the Titans. Since most of the good names are taken, only a few remain available. Many leagues in many sports have take up the better team names. This has left the MLS expansion group with little options. A fan poll has been planned to help select the name.

The options for the fan voting are: The St. Louis Grave Robbers, The Missouri Gropers, The Midwest Hobos, The St. Louis Skidmarkers, The St. Louis Geriatrics, and the River City Open Sores. Potential fans have been less than enthusiastic about the opportunity to select the name. Reached for comment, potential fan Roscoe Johnson asked, "Are these it? Those are terrible. Jeez, why not add the 'Sweaty Vaginas' to the list?" It was then explained to Mr. Johnson that the Sweaty Vaginas is a women's rugby team in Vermont, to which he replied, "Oh, I guess all of the other good names are actually taken. I had no idea. Well then I guess it's time to buy my Hobo jersey, since that's who I am voting for."

As to the stadium naming rights, few groups have shown interest. The three organizations considering using the stadium as a twenty year billboard are Planned Parenthood, the local white supremacist church, and Tampax. The expansion group has subsequently lowered its asking price in the hopes of soliciting additonal naming rights bids from other companies or groups, but to no avail.

Through all of this controversy, Mayor Francis Slay, a self-proclaimer soccer lover and selfless promoter of all things St. Louis, noted, "This is going great! We have a real buzz around the city. People are talking about MLS soccer. So maybe the team name will be mildly offensive. So maybe the stadium name will be wildly offensive. At least the product we put on the field will be great. We are planning a beautiful stadium up north of the downtown area right now. Can't you see the progress we are making? This is going to help the city turn the corner. The fans will come. I promise you, the fans will come."

[This story is a satire of public figures.]

Mizzou football players no longer booed in class

The University of Missouri football team is off to their best start in twenty five years, having won their first five games. This has garnered the team a great deal of positive media coverage, both across the state and on a national scale. The Tigers have cracked both the Associated Press and the coaches' top twenty five poll as well. For the first time in a long time the players and coaches are not only gettting respect on campus, but the the students are finally being treated like common human beings instead of lepers.

Head coach Larry Pinkel, commenting on the sucess, asked, "Who cares if they have played fairly weak nonconference opponents to-date? I am proud of our guys that for once we haven't choked a game or two away early on in the season. Sure, I expect us to get our asses handed to us against Nebraska, Oklahoma, probably Texas Tech and maybe one more opponent, but we have played well to this point. Oh yeah, we will probably lose to Kansas, as well. Anyway, all I am saying is we are playing well as a team and as a result we are getting good treatment on campus."

For the first time in his tenure with the team, Pinkel's car has not yet been vandalized by football fans this late in the season. In years past, his car has been flipped over, pushed into a lake, set on fire and grafittied in about thirty different ways. But with how the team is playing, no such behavior. Yet.

Team quarterback Chase Daniel, reached for comment, noted, "Previously, key players have had a hard time in class. I remember last year Brad Smith would get booed outside of the games," referring to last season's starting quarterback. "One professor actually booed him in class and heckled him during a test. I guess he lost some money on those games. Well we have all lost money betting on Mizzou, haven't we? That professor has not been fired, to my knowledge. I think he is the pep team faculty sponsor, actually."

Daniel continued, "I used to worry that the cafeteria ladies were poisoning my food with some kind of laxative or something like that after a bad game. But since we haven't had our bad games yet this year, I have been able to eat without reservation. Now, once we start racking up bad losses, that is another story. It just feels good to get that winning out of the way in the first half of the season. I am looking forward to whatever crappy bowl we wind up in again this season once we finish 7-5 after conference play."

[This story is a satire of public figures.]

Little feels Haynesworth sets bad example

Tennessee Titans defensive tackle Ablert Haynesworth was suspended yesterday for five games for stomping on the unhelmeted head of opposing lineman Andre Gurode, leading to cries of outrage from many fans. Some thought the punishment should be stiffer and many are using this single act as an example of the brutal nature of professional football in America. A few are even calling for criminal charges to be filed, given the seriousness of the injury to Gurode. The Haynesworth incident is resonating here in St. Louis, where some members of the Rams have been asked to comment on what type of example this sets for children and fans.

When asked about the Haynesworth head stomping, Leonard Little noted, "That just shows a lack of personal responsibility. It is important to admit when you are wrong and suffer the consequences, especially when you hurt someone like that. He could have been killed! The law should act swiftly and hand out a more serious punishment. And if he should have the audacity to get caught doing something as criminal as this a second time, even if no one gets hurt, they should throw the book at him. Second time repeat offenders are the worst. No fancy lawyers. No loopholes. No challenging evidence. If you do it a second time, you should be out of the league. Football players today show a complete disregard for the law and a lack of personal responsibility and it disgusts me to no end."

Moe Williams, a recent addition to the team, when asked about the incident, replied "This is the type of behavior that gives NFL players a bad name. I particularly hate hearing about players misbehaving. Sometimes I get so upset about it, I write my feelings down in a journal. I also really dislike it when players disprespect women. Is there anything more shameless than objectifying women? I think not. It is important for NFL players to lead by example, not to misbehave and create public distrust of the game and its team members."

A question arose about differentiating between misbehavior on the field as opposed to misbehavior off of the field. Little noted, "Off the field? That is a different story. That shit's nobody's business." Williams, in the room at the time, commented, "Word to that. Nobody's business."

[This story is a satire of public figures.]

LaRussa has big fishing trip set for next week

Cardinals manager Tony LaRussa has his annual fishing trip into Canada all planned out, and he is taking good friend and currently unemployed manager Dusty Baker with him. The pair are set to leave town next Monday morning and be gone for three weeks into the fine trout fishing that Canada has to offer. Some fans are concerned with the timing of the trip, as a potential game five to the National League Divisional Series against the Padres is set to be played in San Diego that day, if necessary. Brashly brushing off such criticism, LaRussa refuses to change his plans again.

LaRussa noted that this trip has "already been delayed after we went ass-backwards into the playoffs. Dusty and I have had this set up since the preseason, but things have been shaken up by this club's resiliancy. It really is a testament to third base coach Jose Oquendo. Not so much to me. I pretty much spend my time scowling at players, fans, umps, other managers, et cetera, and not so much time interacting with or motivating the players. I leave that lowly shit for 'The Secret Weapon.'"

When asked why in the world he would set up a fishing trip for right after the conclusion of the regular season when his team had been to five out of the previous six playoffs, LaRussa quipped, "I had no idea we would ever get into the playoffs. We didn't really make a splash in the free agent pool. I mean, Aaron Miles? Come on, seriously. No, Dusty and I were pretty sure this trip would go as planned. But now I have to put it on hold a few more days." It was then pointed out to LaRussa that anything can happen in the playoffs and that everyone's record is 0-0 and that crazier things have happened. Bluntly, LaRussa noted, "If we win three games against San Diego, I'll bend over and kiss my own ass. Now leave me alone, I have plane reservations to change. You know that costs money the longer you wait, so please get out of my office."

[This story is a satire of public figures.]