Rams hope to hold LT2 to five touchdowns

The Saint Louis Rams have been preparing to face the San Diego Chargers for their first game after their bye week. After a disappointing showing against a Seattle Seahawks team that was missing their star running back, Shaun Alexander, the Rams are hoping to improve against yet another good team. The Rams managed to keep Seattle backup Maurice Morris for the most part in check against them, bucking the team trend of letting backups look like Gayle Sayers. Now the Rams are getting ready for LaDanian Tomlinson, one of the league's premier backs, as their next big challenge.

Said defensive coordinator Jim Haslett, "Oh yes, Tomlinson can play some football. He can throw, he can catch, he can run. Shit, I bet that dude can kick field goals or punt. I think that if we can keep him to less than six touchdowns on Sunday, that will be quite a coup for this defensive unit." Offensive coordinator Greg Olson noted, "If that defense gives up over thirty points to one player, I don't know about our chances at winning the game, unless the special teams or defensive side of the ball plans on scoring a few times. We aren't really an offensive-minded offensive unit. We have more of a Frank J. Selke Award style of offensive play. That's a hockey reference for you football people. Go look it up."

Tomlinson is taking the entire NFL experience all in stride. Said Tomlinson, in response to a question about whether or not we should believe the hype, "What hype? Now hype is for something that's not for real. I'm all for real!" Tomlinson was asked if he would have family and friends in the stands for the Rams game in San Diego, to which he noted, "I called my friends and asked if they would visit my distinguished ass in California. I told them that I would knock those Rams out with black Nikes on my feet!" LT2 was then asked about his career after he left the gridion, to which the suddenly uncomfortable interviewee responsed, "What am I gonna do if I can't play football? I'm not good at nothin'!"

As to the plan of attack against a much improved Rams defense, Tomlinson noted, "If the Charges wanna win, they put LT in!" Coach Haslett responded to these boastful comments from Tomlinson, noting, "Man, I wish I had that jackass on my fantasy team. He freaking kills me each year."

[This story is a satire of public figures.]