Cardinals considering Andrew Dice Clay for coaching position

The St. Louis Cardinals have entered into preliminary discussions with controversial stand-up comic Andrew 'Dice' Clay for an assistant coaching position. It is rumored that Clay is deemed a possible successor to current Manager Tony LaRussa, whose contract expires in the near future. The Dice has no formal baseball experience, but has spent a great deal of time heckling the Mets teams of the 1980's from the Shea Stadium bleachers.

Deemed a questionable move by other baseball insiders and league officials, team general manager Walt Jocketty was recently approached about the contact between the team and Dice. "We have seen the success that having a homophobic, racist and obscene manager can bring to an ballclub in need of a new direction, such as in the White Sox organization. We feel that Mr. Clay could become just as inflammatory of a manager as Ozzie Guillen, and with that we expect no less than three or four championship rings." Jocketty continued, "If Dice can learn a little baseball while watching from the bench, then he can get the rest on the fly as the manager, if we do actually decide to move in that direction. Really, managing is not that hard. It is all about the players, and who gets the players? The GM, that's who. We bust our asses putting a good product on the field and we should get all the credit, not those glory hog managers. But I digress..."

Compensation for Clay has been a sticking point in the early discussions. While the team would like to offer an incentive-laden package with a lower base salary, Dice would like to be paid in "cigarettes, beer and hookers." Jocketty has expressed some limited concern over the possibility of hiring Dice, noting that "We have been told by the girls of Team Fredbird that Dice made some, uh, let's just say rather forward comments towards them between interviews, and as a result they feel a little uncomfortable around him."

[This story is a satire of public figures.]