Brad Thompson ruins Cardinals team celebration

The St. Louis Cardinals baseball players recently threw a party for batting coach Hal McRae in the banquet hall at Kemoll's downtown to celebrate recent career milestones and accomplishments. It was a surprise event, including an open bar and a top of the line buffet, to be finished off with a champagne toast and cigars for all attendees. Each player had some special contribution to the event, bringing something to the party or taking care of some element of planning. Brad Thompson, a cigar afficianado, was put in charge of bringing a few boxes of expensive cigars to the event for everyone to enjoy together, in celebration of their coach. But Thompson never showed up, effectively ruining the event.

A reporter caught up with Thompson outside of the ballpark before a recent game to inquire about the cigar snafu. "I went to the cigar shop and tried to buy a few boxes of these really nice Dominican cigars. So the guy who is working there keeps looking at me all weird, and then when I go to pay for them, he asks for my I.D. and I give it to him," remarked Thompson. "Then the cashier looked at the driver's license for a while and tells me, 'Kid, this is the best fake I.D. that I have ever seen' and he proceeded to cut it up! Then he told me to 'scram' before he called the cops." Thompson is in actuality 26 years old but is commonly mistaken for a gradeschooler by casual fans and people who see him on the street.

Continuing his sob story, Brad recalled that "I had to go to the local 7-11 and wait outside and ask people to go in and buy me some tobacco for a party for my friends. No one would do it, and the guy who worked there ran me off. The cops picked me up, and when I had no I.D., they called my parents." Thompson's parents, who hail from Las Vegas, had to fly to St. Louis to pick up Brad, who was dejected by this point. "I spent the night of the party in a juvy hall holding cell with a bunch of delinquent children. It was quite embarassing."

Manager Tony LaRussa, reached for comment, stated that, "I am disappointed with Brad. He should have called us and let us know what happened. I was so mad at him for ruining that party that I went home and kicked my dog." Thompson's troubles did not end with the party-night debacle. "Since they cut up my I.D. at the cigar store, I can't get into the stadium to pitch tonight," he lamented, which is why the interview took place outside of the stadium. "The guard told me to 'get lost' and that I could come back for autographs later on."

[This story is a satire of public figures.]