Report: MLS team may not revitalize city

A group of investors has been lobbying the Major League Soccer organization for an expansion team in the metro St. Louis area, and there is hope that such a move would revitalize the city. This has been met with some limited skepticism based on similar boastful promises made by other sports franchises.

When the St. Louis Rams were brought to town with much fanfare, a new state of the art domed stadium was created to house the franchise. At the time, it was thought that the team would revitalize the deliapidated area of the city where the stadium was built. Sadly, this has not occurred, and may God help you if you go north of the dome alone after dark. Similarly, the renovation of the Kiel center and opera house, n/k/a the Savvis center, was also supposed to reinvigorate the cultural heart of the city with new life. The opera house today stands vacant and the Blues are the sorriest franchise in the league, except of course for the Blackhawks. More recently, the new Busch Stadium was intended not only to line the pockets of team owners, but also to bring more people downtown and energize a city on the decline. At least half of the intended results have been accomplished, that being the increased wealth for team owners.

Mayor Francis Slay, one of the local elected officials leading the charge to bring an MLS franchise to the area, has been fielding critical questions from members of the media. When asked what sort of benefit he would expect for the city from the new soccer team, Slay responded, "I would anticipate that this would elevate St. Louis back into the marquee ranking of cities in America, and, after seeing the numbers from the MLS expansion group, we can expect St. Louis to grow by three to four million people in the next few years." In response to a question about why an MLS team would bring to the city what the other franchises could not, Slay noted that "the Rams, Blues and Cardinals don't have the global appeal that soccer can bring. Those are essentially fringe sports. Did you know that 6 billion people watched the last world cup of soccer? If only a fraction of them move to St. Louis for our MLS franchise, which is what the expansion group has assured me will happen, we can grow and improve the city all the more."

Still, some foolish doubters remain. Among them is always-skeptical columnist Roscoe Johnson of the St. Louis Post-Dispatch. "Sports teams do not revitalize cities. This is a rediculous concept propounded by those who would profit from it. And by the way, who in their right mind would drive to Belleville-freakin-Illinois to watch a soccer game? Not me, unless it is that women's soccer league. And they play in bikinis or something like that. Then I would go."

[This story is a satire of public figures.]