Chris Duncan, the Cardinals' free-swinging left field spare-part-of-the-month, has been in contact with one of the team's alumni in hopes of finding the right methods for improving his game. Ron Gant, an integral part of the mid-90's mediocre teams, has had several recent meetings with Duncan to discuss his plate discipline.
Gant has been working with Duncan about freeing his mind of distractions, such as the rotation, speed or location of the ball, and instead only focusing on how hard he should swing the bat. Commenting on his time with the team, Ron noted that "keeping my eyes closed and swinging as hard as I could was a key element to my batting strategy. In fact, that is what I did every time I came to the plate." Duncan, like Gant, has been garnering attention for his tape-measure home runs, as well as for the frequency of his strikeouts.
Hoping to earn a regular spot on the team next season, Duncan has been eager to try out his refined approach during his limited playing time. "Ronnie gave me some great pointers, and it has paid off. Did you see the moon shot that I sent out to Broadway the other day? It was sweet." Duncan's strikeouts per at bat have jumped as well as his distance per home run, both of which are expected to be tops in the league by season's end.
When asked about the bonding between Duncan and Gant, manager Tony LaRussa said, "Oh crap! I need to put an end to that shit. If I had known that, we would've traded that kid a couple of weeks ago."
[This story is a satire of public figures.]
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