The city of Overland, Missouri, is situated in the northern part of central St. Louis county and has a rich history of honest, hardworking citizens. For many years it had been a quiet little town in the midst of a big city, barely noticed on the local news scene. That all changed when Ann Purzner won the mayoral election by the slimmest of margins and soon thereafter began a series of power moves, including attempts to replace the city attorney and police chief. Many residents who were at home sleeping during the election did not realize that you could vote for mayor and apparently assumed that by hiding under pillows, things would just work out okay. Unfortunately for them, they were mistaken. Now, in an effort to discredit the controversial mayor, her claims about her past, including her work experience and education have been called into question.
As a result of some serious investigation by crack reporters and hard-nosed insiders, one claim of particular interest has recently been proven false - that Mayor Ann Purzner anchored the St. Louis Rams defense during their improbable Super Bowl run during the 1999-2000 NFL season. For many years, Mayor Purzner claimed that she was starting middle linebacker for the St. Louis Rams, drafted 25 years after allegedly getting her Bachelor of Science in Nursing degree from Maryville University, where she showcased her talents on the powder puff football team "The Olivettes". While this claim might seem outrageous, she has stood by her story even in light of some rather damning evidence to the contrary.
As proof that she was a key part of the Rams' Super Bowl run, the Mayor showed a photograph of her stopping Kevin Dyson just a few feet from the goal line in the Super Bowl, a tackle that has become known as, well, "The Tackle". Mayor Purzner explained, "Some people have pointed out that this picture is just a PhotoShop printout of two pictures spliced together, stuck in a cheap frame, but that is just nonsense. Of course I made "The Tackle". It's right here in this photo! Sure, I played with a 'Jones' jersey on, but only because Jones is how you spell 'Purzner' in Taiwanese, where the jersey was made. This is all so logical, I just don't understand the commotion." Mayor Purzner continued, pulling out a copy of the Rams' 1999-2000 Team Yearbook, pointing to her name on the defensive roster, noting that "you wouldn't believe it, but I have been accused of writing my name in here in Sharpie. Clearly this is not a Sharpie." The reporter taking her statement happened to have a copy of the same Yearbook, but the mayor's name was missing, to which she replied, "That is a rare typo error edition and could be worth some money on eBay. Yeah, that's the ticket."
When asked about Mayor Purzner's involvement in the Rams' championship, insiders were only met with more questions. Dick Vermiel, head coach of that team, broke into inconsolable tears when asked about the Super Bowl, and no futher questioning could take place. Wealthy clueless owner Georgia Frontiere commented that she "loves the city of St. Louis, wherever that is. I would like to visit more often, but I am so busy here. Call me when we win again!" Finally, former head coach and the offensive coordinator at the time Mike Martz was asked about Purzner's involvement in the team, to which he responded, "Who knows? Defense? Whatever, man. Defenses are for shredding with a killer passing attack, not for name-learning. What has a defensive player ever done for me? Nuthin, that's what."
[This story is a satire of public figures.]
[Incidentally, for Mayor Purzner's side of the story, see this nonsense.
[For an, oh let' s just say, alternative side of the story, see this or this.
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