Ankiel has both arms amputated, remains on 40-man roster

The St. Louis Cardinals have been thoroughly patient with big-league prospect Rick Ankiel. They have continued to put faith in him as he has progressed through his often times tumultuous career, inviting critics to question the team's seemingly excessive loyalty to this one player. General Manager Walt Jocketty and Manager Tony LaRussa are steadfast in their support the young ballplayer, even in light of his most recent setback - the amputation of both arms.

Ankiel went 11-7 as a pitcher in his first full season in the major leagues, and was considered the future of the major league pitching staff after posting 194 strikeouts in his rookie campaign. But a disasterous playoff outing against the Atlanta Braves, one in which he threw five wild pitches in one inning [not a typo], started a downward spiral that has threatened a once promising career. In what has been compared to the Howard Dean 'yeeeaaugh!' speech, this one performance made an impressive and exciting newcomer into an interesting historical footnote. As an example, while a Rick Ankiel signed rookie card is going for 35 cents on eBay, a Trivial Pursuit 20th Anniversary question card regarding that game against the Braves signed by Ankiel is going for five dollars. If only he had come back from that game like Rick 'Wild Thing' Vaughn came back from his, Ankiel would have been pitching today instead of toiling in the minors, that is, had both of his arms not been amputated.

After making several injury-plagued comeback efforts in various levels of the minor leagues, Ankiel traded in his pitching repertoire for an outfielder's glove in an attempt at remaking himself into a professional baseball prospect again. Things were looking up for Ankiel in the minors, where he had an impressive season in left field and at the plate in 2005. However, his future took a turn for the worse this season when Ankiel was involved in a terrible accident that required getting a dual amputation. Rick and current Cardinals outfielder Jim Edmonds were out getting their hair tips dyed at their local favorite salon when a terrible hair gel explosion left Ankiel's arms mangled and useless. The physicians managed to save his life, but not his arms. Luckily, the plucky ballplayer has not given up on his dreams of returning to the major leagues and the Cardinals are not about to let him go. Despite this terrible tragedy, Ankiel remains on the Cardinals' 40 man roster.

Reached for comment, General Manager Walt Jocketty stated, "We could have cut Rick with this latest hurdle, but we have stubbornly stuck with him all this time when everyone else told us to cut him, so why let him go now? You should see his competitiveness, his toughness. When he comes to the plate with the bat in his teeth and that look in his eyes, you just get excited to see someone with that kind of potential in our system. You would have to be crazy to let someone like that just leave your organization without fully exploring his potential. I mean, we totally owe it to Rick to keep him on board until either the club goes out of business or he dies of natural causes. I see big things for Rick, and pretty much nothing he could do would ever make us cut him. Hell, he could go stab a judge on live television dressed in an Abe Lincoln costume and he would still have a place on our forty man roster. Oh, and he would have a six to seven figure salary, too. That's loyalty, brother. That's loyalty."

[This story is a satire of public figures.]